


but more startling

by charmify



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: F/F, Pre-Canon, Rebellion, blue pearl is really gay for terrifying renegade pearl, officially canon divergent as of "steven's dream", pearl has a lot of issues to work through, the crystal gems go through a lot of team building exercises probably
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-17
Updated: 2017-01-17
Packaged: 2018-05-21 04:43:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 24,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6038566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charmify/pseuds/charmify
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Compared with me, a tree is immortal<br/>And a flower-head not tall, but more startling,<br/>And I want the one's longevity and the other's daring.<br/>     <cite>-Sylvia Plath, "I Am Vertical"</cite></p><p>Blue Pearl has lived her whole life being empty. But the Crystal Gems have a way of filling you up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You are surprised to find that you are not ready to die.

A blast shakes the foundations of the arena that hangs in the sky. A pillar crumbles; a Gem shrieks as she splinters into dust. A rebel battle cry shatters the air, and you hide.

All of the court's preparation, but without a sapphire, the rebels were unpredictable. Dangerous. Their initial strike should have meant their end, but it did not. A Gem acted out of turn, an aberration came into being, and the future became uncertain. 

You could sense your mistress's displeasure, though you said nothing of it. It was not your place; your job was to be pretty, and obedient, and silent. You did your job well. To belong to a Diamond was the highest honor a Gem of your kind could hope for. You would have been proud, except that pride did not befit a pearl. Emptiness was easy for you; it was easy to stand, and be pretty, and be nothing. 

Until you saw the pearl. The renegade pearl, Rose Quartz's best weapon. A pearl that fought, that _thought_ , that turned grace into something to be feared. 

Now, it is harder to be empty. You began to think, maybe, that Blue Diamond was watching you more closely, keeping your leash more tightly wound. Perhaps all the Diamonds were. If one pearl could defect...

Blue Diamond is not watching now, though. Blue Diamond is gone, safely enclosed in her palanquin. You saw it carry her away when the explosions began. She didn't even bother to wait for you to reach her, she just - left.

And now you are going to die here, your gem crushed under falling stone, or blown apart by an explosion, or sheared in half by a rebel sword. You are surprised to find that you are not ready to die. Once, there would have been no point to life without your Diamond. Now, though, you cannot help but think that there is _more_ , and it hurts to know that you will never be able to see it.

A quartz stumbles uncomfortably close to your hiding place, then gathers her strength and leaps forward with a roar, raising a mace the size of her head. You shrink back, and wish, for the first time, that you have a weapon. It's a ridiculous notion - you don’t know how to fight. But if you could only die with a weapon in your hands, perhaps it would not be an empty death.

But you have no weapon, nor the courage to crawl out and find one. You are weak, anyway - you are a _pearl_. When in your life have you lifted anything so heavy as a sword? When in your life have you needed something like courage? All you have is your fear and a place to hide. You huddle there under the fallen rocks, knees drawn up to your chest, your head bowed, and hope to stay invisible.

You do not know how long you stay there, a battle raging around you, Gems dying. The minutes blur together; the sounds blend into one long, drawn-out roar. You want to disappear. You want to be safe. You want to live a life that isn’t empty. It scares you, this feeling in your chest; you never used to want things. You used to think that being a Diamond’s pearl was the only privilege you would ever need. But then the renegade pearl showed you that life can be different, and you began to want, and now you are going to die just when being alive was starting to mean something.

And then, all of a sudden, you realize that it is quiet. The roar is gone; there are no more explosions, no more screaming Gems. It’s…over. And you are not dead.

You peek out of your hiding place, blinking dust out of your eyes, and see - emptiness. Gem shards litter the rubble. The air docks are empty of their ships. Any Gem who could have escaped is gone.

And the rest…died.

You are alone.

_Fear_. You can’t be alone. You’re _empty_ , you never learned how to be anything on your own. You don’t know how to survive by yourself. For a moment, you hope that Blue Diamond might come back for you - but she left you in the first place, didn’t she? You couldn’t get to her palanquin in time, and she left you. Nobody is going to come back for you. Nobody cares about one little pearl on her own. 

Footsteps. You jump, pulling back into your hiding place, and then, slowly, dare to peek out again. You aren’t alone after all! If any of the Homeworld Gems survived then maybe - perhaps they might - 

It’s the rebels.

Your breath catches: Rose Quartz shines in the sunlight, emanating a majesty you can feel even from here as she surveys the arena. But even more amazing is the figure by her side, so slight in comparison, who carries a sword in each hand. The renegade pearl. 

They aren’t alone. Other Gems gather around them, some laughing, others looking tired and grim. As you watch, Rose Quartz gestures, and they turn towards the warp pad. 

Leaving.

“Wait!” 

The cry leaves your mouth before you can stop it, and for a moment you’re utterly petrified; you have never made a sound that loud in your life. But it works - they stop, and Rose Quartz turns, searching. The renegade pearl raises her swords. You don’t give yourself time to change your mind; this is the only chance you have. If they leave, you’ll be alone and nobody will ever miss you.

You scramble out of your hiding place, standing and dusting off your skirt. A dozen pairs of eyes stare at you, and you reflexively bow your head, clasping your hands in front of your gem. A subservient position: you are not a threat.

There is a moment of silence, and then you hear Rose Quartz speak quietly to the rebels: “Return to the base. Pearl and I will catch up soon.” You dare not look up as the group dissipates, nor as two sets of footsteps - one smooth and heavy, the other light and quick - approach. It is only when Rose Quartz’s shadow looms over you that you raise your eyes.

“Who are you?” Rose Quartz asks, and her voice is warm, if a tad wary. It isn’t what you expected; you have only heard it raised in command. 

“I recognize her!” It’s the renegade pearl, and for a moment your heart leaps, until you see the look on her face, sharp with alarm. “You’re Blue Diamond’s pearl. Where is your owner? I thought she left! Rose, if Blue Diamond is still here somewhere…”

“She isn’t.” Your voice trembles slightly, and you will it not to fail. You have never had to speak for yourself like this. You have rarely had to speak at all. “She left. She…left me behind. I hid. I didn’t want to die, I - I want…”

“What do you want?” Rose Quartz asks gently.

For a long moment, your mouth works, but you cannot find the words. And then, with a vehemence you didn’t know you possessed, you say it: “I want to come with you! I - I mean…” They are staring at you, and you bow your head. “Please, Rose Quartz, it would be an honor to join your cause.” _Don’t leave me behind…_

The silence seems to pound in your ears. Then Rose Quartz asks, “Why do you want to join us?” 

“I…don’t want to be alone,” you admit anxiously, clasping your hands tighter. “I wouldn’t know how to survive on my own. And…” You glance at the renegade pearl and your voice fails you for a moment. She is beautiful, even as she watches you distrustfully. Her eyes seem as sharp as her swords. Have you ever seen a pearl with eyes so bright? Never, never. The memory of her plays in your head, cutting down two jaspers with one flash of her swords. You want to be as strong as she is, want it so badly it _hurts_. “I want to learn how to fight, like you. Please. I don’t want to be empty anymore.”

The renegade pearl looks away sharply, as if something you said hurt her. “How can we trust her?” she snaps. “She could be a spy for Blue Diamond. Rose, I don’t think-“

Rose Quartz lays a large hand on her pearl’s shoulder, and the pearl shuts her mouth with a snap. “I saw Blue Diamond leave,” she says. “She’ll be halfway to the next planet by now; she wouldn’t risk her life for any one colony. And, oh Pearl, do you really think she would train her _pearl_ to be a spy?” 

The renegade pearl doesn’t answer, but her silence seems answer enough for Rose Quartz, who turns to you with a smile and holds out a hand. “If you want to join the Crystal Gems, then come with us.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey so this is my first multichapter fic ever. exciting stuff. also a practice in effective dialogue and pacing, so constructive criticism is welcomed! come hang with me on [my blog](ofrealstrength.tumblr.com) for more SU goodness?
> 
> "but faith, why the second person perspective??" i know it might throw some people off, and understandably so, so i wanted to take a moment to talk about it, for those who might be interested. so here's my list of Why I Used Second Person Instead of Third or First Like a Normal Person:
> 
> 1\. names. Having two characters who both refer to themselves as Pearl or "the pearl" gets confusing once they interact more. Calling her Blue Pearl would solve that, but it gives her too much personal identity and also diminishes the significance of a later scene.  
> 2\. pronouns. look, there are just so many "she"s already, it helps to eliminate one set. it's a lazy reason, I know, which is why it isn't the primary reason, but it's a reason nonetheless.  
> 3\. first person would, again, have given her too much personal identity. She doesn't have the agency yet to narrate her own life; "you" is more passive, as if she is being told what happens to her rather than deciding. it seemed to fit.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Though your limbs shake, though everyone you know is dead or gone, though you lie in the dirty, tangled bowels of an alien planet, somewhere in yourself you find strength.

The jungle is hot. Sticky. It is a new sensation, and though you are not sure you like it, you are fascinated nonetheless. Tentatively, a slim hand reaches out to brush the tendrils of a vine as you pass; you gasp at the warm, rough texture. A silver blade flashes in your sight, and you hastily pull your hand back, drawing in on yourself once more.

An exasperated sigh comes from just behind. "Are we _really_ keeping this one, Rose?" The renegade pearl's voice is sharp, impatient; it snaps against you unpleasantly. And yet, part of you still fills with the same awe you felt the first time you saw the renegade pearl dancing with her swords. You have never heard a pearl's voice cut through the air like that. The idea of a demanding pearl, a pearl that can stand tall and make herself heard, is...new. 

A patient voice chuckles. "Oh, Pearl, what's the matter? I thought you were just saying that we _needed_ recruits."

" _Her?_ " The renegade pearl scoffs, and you feel yourself becoming smaller. You stare at the ground, not daring to look at the two rebels escorting you. "What use is she going to be? Look at her, she's terrified. She's a _pearl_."

The vehemence in her voice hits you like a whip, and you cringe involuntarily. The realization comes in a wave that makes you feel sick: this pearl _hates_ you. The pearl that you have looked up to, the pearl you have seen pirouette her way through an entire royal guard, the pearl you wish you could _be_ \- she wants nothing to do with the rest of her kind. 

"So are you, I seem to recall," the other voice says, and though her tone is still gentle, there is a firmness that wasn't there before, an undercurrent of iron. "It wasn't so long ago that you were in her place. All you needed was someone who believed in you."

"Yes, and several hundred years of training, and I _still_ can't summon my weapon!" Though you still do not look up, you can feel the angry resentment emanating from the renegade pearl. That, and...embarrassment? Frustration. "We don't have _time_ to teach Gems like her to fight, Rose - we _barely_ took down the cloud arena! They'll send more reinforcements. We need _warriors_."

"We need Gems who are brave, and good, and believe in our cause," Rose Quartz counters quietly. "She asked to come with us, Pearl. She has a choice, just like you. What would you have me do? Break her?"

You shiver in terror, but the pearl's voice follows, sharp but flustered; you can sense her embarrassment. "Of course not! I'm not saying - I just -"

"I know." Movement, a shadow falling over you. Finally, you risk a glance up. Rose Quartz has moved to put her arm around her pearl, and the renegade relaxes visibly into the touch, though she still looks troubled. "You have come so far, my pearl," she says in a voice that is soft and gentle and, you are somehow sure, meant only for her pearl’s ears. But you cannot stop yourself from hearing, and do not want to try. "How many times have I told you? It is no shame to be a pearl. You don't have to run away from who you are."

The renegade pearl says something too soft for you to hear, and then falls silent, letting Rose Quartz guide her along. She glances up just once, and meets your eyes; you drop your gaze with a start and don’t look up again for a long time.

  


* * *

  


The walk takes hours. You had assumed that the Crystal Gem base would be close to a warp pad, as all Gem structures are, but the warp you took from the cloud arena deposited you at the very edge of the jungle, and the base turns out to be deep inside the tangle of trees and vines. Your lungs are burning in your chest and your legs feel sore and shaky; you have never walked this far in your life. You're painfully aware of how much you're slowing the rebels down - though Rose Quartz keeps pace with you, the pearl keeps ranging ahead and then waiting impatiently for you to catch up - but it's all you can do to stay on your feet.

By the third hour, an exhausted, mutinous part of you wonders if you should have just stayed on the arena. _Someone_ would think to check for survivors eventually, right? You would have been scared and alone, but at least you would have been allowed to _sit_. You didn't even know your physical form _could_ ache this much. 

By the fourth hour, you nearly break down and ask if you can stop and rest. But then, as you gather the courage to speak, your eyes stray from the path and you find yourself stumbling over a twisted tree root, your bare feet tangling in the undergrowth. You hit the ground hard. Rose Quartz turns immediately, concerned, and holds out a hand to help you up. It's the renegade pearl, however, that draws your eyes. There is something expectant about her gaze as she looks at you. From the edge to her voice as she spoke earlier, you expect to see haughtiness in her expression, but instead there is only a defensive, resigned sort of sadness.

She's waiting for you to fail. Not out of hatred, but because she has already given up on you and all your kind.

Though your limbs shake, though everyone you know is dead or gone, though you lie in the dirty, tangled bowels of an alien planet, somewhere in yourself you find strength. You push yourself up without a word, ignoring Rose Quartz's hand, and force your tired feet to carry you forward. You will not stop; you will not beg for help. You will prove her wrong.

Ten minutes later you reach the base.

  


* * *

  


"Welcome to the home of the Crystal Gems," Rose Quartz says grandly.

You blink, and can't help feeling underwhelmed. It's...a wall. No, “wall” suggests civilization; it's a shallow cliff face rising jaggedly above the forest floor. You are standing before its highest point, perhaps forty feet above your head. It slopes gradually to either side, and trees cling to its top, wrapping their gnarly roots around the rocky rim. Vines snake across the rock face, flowers bursting in their wake.

It looks just as wild and unkempt as the rest of the jungle. 

You glance back at the rebels, uncertain, and Rose Quartz laughs, stepping forward. She sweeps a curtain of thick vines aside, revealing a fissure in the cliff face, vaguely rectangular, wide enough for two Gems to walk abreast. Beyond the entrance is only darkness. You feel a thrill of unease; you have never liked the dark. You do not know what could be lurking in it, but you know that you would not see it coming.

The renegade pearl, making an impatient noise, pushes past you, and you stumble back. Light blossoms forth, a stream from her gem that illuminates the cave ahead. Rose Quartz’s gem begins to glow pink, and you feel abashed; lighting your gem did not even occur to you. The pearl strides into the cave without a second glance, and Rose Quartz ushers you forward. You comply; orders, at least, are easy to follow. 

The stone is cold on your bare feet. “There are lights up ahead,” Rose Quartz promises from behind you. “We didn’t want anything that could be seen from the entrance; we’re trying to keep this place secret, after all.” 

You don’t respond, nor do you light your own gem; the light from the rebels’ gems are enough to see by. The stony passage is narrow and uneven, and you keep one hand on the wall so that you don’t stumble. A small part of you marvels at the rough surface, for you have never felt anything like it. The floors you have walked all your life have been smooth, flawless. This stone is as wild as everything else on Earth. It scares you, because it is new, and unpredictable, and you are very small within it. It scares you, but you do not take your hand away.

After a few turns, the passage widens, and globes of light appear, Gem-made, set in roughly equal increments along the wall. Rose Quartz and the renegade pearl let their gems grow dim once more. Another hall splits off to the right, and, a few minutes later, a second diverges left, but the rebels ignore them, so you do too. You wonder at this place, though. It is not Gem-made, and yet neither can it be natural. So what, then...?

“Humans,” Rose Quartz murmurs fondly, and you startle, wondering uncomfortably if, along with all her other legendary talents, the leader of the Crystal Gems can read minds. She runs a hand down the rock and smiles. “Humans lived here once. They were the ones who widened these tunnels and made them livable. We’ve been making adjustments, but it’s thanks to the humans that we can be here at all. Wonderful, isn’t it? They’re primitive now, but think what they could accomplish, given more time...”

You don’t really understand how the ability to chip away at rock qualifies a species as _wonderful_ , but you don’t question it. Rose Quartz’s love for humans is well-known, though you have only ever heard it spoken of with scorn. Still, there’s something about her voice that...You don’t have the word for it, but it _moves_ something in you. It makes you _want_ to understand why she cares so much.

The rumors are true. Rose Quartz _feels_ in a way that you have never seen. She _cares_. And her pearl - she feels, too, though her emotions are sharper, more dangerous; you feel you could cut yourself on them. How do they do it? You do not understand. Fear is a familiar emotion to you, but fear is simple, easy to comprehend. The way the rebels interact with each other is different. Complex. They seem to have discovered something beyond your reach.

They come to a halt. And you realize, suddenly, that there are voices coming from just ahead, where the passage opens into a wide cavern. Of course; the other rebels would have arrived long before you did, with you slowing Rose Quartz and her pearl down. Anxiety creeps up your throat and settles as a weight in your chest. Will they treat you with hostility, like the renegade pearl? Will they dismiss you as Homeworld Gems would? You think you would prefer to be dismissed, ignored. That would be easier. That would-

Rose Quartz turns to you, but speaks to her pearl. “Pearl, can you show her the rest of the caverns while I talk to them?”

The pearl’s eyes widen, her mouth opening in protest. “But Rose-”

“Please, Pearl.” You are confused by Rose Quartz’s tone. It isn’t an order. Though the expectation to be obeyed is there, in the leader’s natural authority, you know the difference between an order and...whatever this is. A request. If the pearl were to say no, she would not be punished. Somehow this does not lessen your anxiety. _You do not understand._

The pearl bites her lip, then bows her head. “All right.” Rose Quartz gives you another one of her smiles and departs, heading into the cavernous space just beyond. The voices cease as she enters. Perhaps it is your imagination, but the air feels a little colder now that she is gone.

Or perhaps the chill comes from the way the pearl is looking at you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in which blue pearl manages to not speak for an entire chapter and pearl has a lot of Issues when it comes to other pearls.
> 
> spring break is a blessing. don't be surprised if i don't get the third chapter out until the semester ends in may, though. i am not fast. on the bright side, i'm really enjoying this! thank you so much for all the kind feedback, it's incredibly encouraging <3
> 
> get ready to meet some new characters in the next few chapters! i hope you're as excited to meet the other crystal gems as i am to show them to you :)
> 
> lastly, i can be found, as always, at [my tumblr!](http://ofrealstrength.tumblr.com)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She is simply _more_. She takes up space in a way that takes your breath away. Looking at her is like touching ice for the first time when all your life you have known only water. You feel vaporous in comparison; you could blow away, scatter your ashes to the wind, and no one would notice.

“So.” The pearl’s voice is cold, and she holds herself stiff, arms crossed over her chest. “Ask.”

You stare at her blankly.

“ _Ask_.” This time she sounds almost aggressive. “You spoke easily enough at the cloud arena. You have questions. Ask them.”

You stand before her, bewildered. Her hostility is like a whiteout, blanking everything else out of your mind. You _do_ have questions, but your mouth refuses to form words. You can’t think how to phrase any of the confusion of the past several hours. You have never been ordered to _speak_ before without first being told what to say.

The pearl makes a disdainful sound, low in her throat, and turns away. “Never mind. Let’s just get this over with. Follow me.”

Something sinks within you. You realize too late that this is a test, and you are failing. You think back to the walk here, the way she looked at you when you fell. She expected you to give up, but you kept going. Maybe that was when she decided to give you a chance.

A chance you are letting slip away, because you don’t know how to _speak_.

“Wait!” you choke out, stumbling forward to catch up to her. _Anything_ , you tell yourself. Ask _anything_. You’ve had so many questions ever since the battle; it should be _easy_ to just reach in and pick one. The pearl pauses, turning slightly. Waiting.

“Why didn’t she let us come with her?” You jerk your head back towards the cavern into which Rose Quartz had disappeared. It’s the first thing you can think of, the last thing you wondered. It must be good enough, because the pearl follows your gaze for a moment and then turns, gesturing you forward. You fall into step just behind her.

“She’ll be debriefing them about you, and discussing the battle,” she says shortly. “Maybe she doesn’t want you hearing our tactics.” She hesitates, and her voice is just a little softer when she adds: “Or maybe she was being kind by not making you relive the whole thing.”

“But why would she-” The question is out before you can think to stop it.

The pearl laughs, and it is a harsh, angry sound. “Why would she bother being kind to a pearl?”

You don’t move, don’t even nod in confirmation. She is silent for a moment, shoulders stiff; you can see her wiry muscles under her tunic, held taut. Then something seems to relax, and she shakes her head. “I’ve asked myself that question a thousand times. She’s just - _like_ that, to everyone.” Her face is turned away from you, but you don’t need to see it to understand the softness there. “She just _cares_. She believes in you even when you don’t believe in yourself.”

It doesn’t make sense to you, any of it - not the way Rose Quartz goes out of her way to be kind, and not the way the renegade pearl, the terrifying rogue, all hard edges and razor-thin lines, goes soft at the mere mention of her. You understand devotion to one’s mistress - pearls are, after all, made for loyalty - but this is something different, something more. Once again you seem to be staring at something beyond your grasp, close enough to see but too far away to understand. 

You have no words, and in a moment the softness ebbs away, and the pearl’s back straightens. She walks faster, and you have to hurry to keep up, your bare feet scuffing on the rock. You try to gather other questions in your mind, in case the pearl intends to keep pushing you to speak, but she seems to have dropped the topic. Her movements are sharp and purposeful, and she begins, in a clipped, businesslike voice, to describe the cavern system as you traverse it.

“Where we just were is the meeting room, which is where we all gather when we have important things to discuss. The armory is back there too, but I’m not going to show it to you. I’m sure you’ll see it soon enough. You’ll have to, if you’re going to fight.” There it is, that tinge of derision that colors the word _fight_. It’s beginning to frustrate you. _She_ learned. Why does she assume you can’t?

“Personal rooms are this way,” the pearl continues, turning right. This corridor has doorways that open up into small spaces on either side of the hall. Some of them sport doors, of a sort - a dark cloth, a large piece of wood propped between the stone, what looks like a salvaged metal door from a ship. “So far there’s enough that most Gems have their own space. It’s good for storing personal items or for when you want privacy. This one can be yours.” She stops by a door near the end, next to the one with the cloth covering. “Not that you _have_ any personal items to store. But if you want to be alone, this is where you’ll go.”

You’re more interested in the other, occupied rooms than the blank one that has been designated yours. Why do they all look different if they serve the same purpose? Armies like to look orderly, uniform. It makes them look strong. That is what you have learned, standing at your Diamond’s side. As for your own room, you can’t imagine what you would put there. The idea of privacy holds some appeal - it might be nice to get away from everything else, considering how overwhelmed you feel already - but your mind hits a blank once you try to imagine what you would _do_ with it. Just sit there until someone needs you? It seems more prudent to remain in a public space, so that you are convenient, available when wanted. Or will anyone want you, here? What will you do if nobody gives you orders?

The thought, and the blankness that follows the question mark, leaves you feeling scared and breathless. You turn away. The pearl is watching you impassively, but you don’t look at her. You stand still and silent, waiting, and eventually she makes a low, dissatisfied hum and sets off back down the hall. She doesn’t beckon you, but the movement is enough: you follow, feeling better now that you have a direction to go.

This time she turns left instead of right once you reach what you have begun to think of as the main passage. You consider her profile as you follow: she marches more than she walks, each foot placed as if it is asserting its own right to step there. You feel foolish in admitting that she is not what you expected, because what was there to expect? You saw a pearl who cut down Gems without a moment’s hesitation, who dealt out death with the grace of an artist, and now you are surprised to find her harsh? You saw her defy all laws of what a pearl should be, and thought she was the sort of Gem who conformed to others’ expectations?

She is simply _more_. She takes up space in a way that takes your breath away. Looking at her is like touching ice for the first time when all your life you have known only water. You feel vaporous in comparison; you could blow away, scatter your ashes to the wind, and no one would notice.

She leads you into the sunlight.

The thin passage opens up into a bowl, encircled by stone; it looks as if a great hand has descended to scoop the earth away. The open sky dazzles you for a moment after your time underground, and you have to blink hard before the rest of the small valley comes into view. Green grass is soft under your feet, and trees dot the perimeter, providing errant patches of shade. The left half of the valley is dominated by a large, sandy area, the dirt flattened, it seems, by the scuffling of many feet. At the far end, opposite you, a thin stream of water pours into a small pool from above: a tidy, glistening waterfall. It’s...picturesque, actually, and far tamer than the wilderness of the jungle outside. It fills you with an unexpected peace; even the pearl beside you seems to relax a little as she steps into the sun.

“This is where most of us prefer to spend our time,” she says as you stare. “It’s pretty much impossible to find unless you’re searching from above, and Rose’s vines can make a good cover if we need it.” Ah, yes; you’d forgotten that, along with her healing powers, Rose Quartz has some strange affinity for organic plant life. The vines covering the cavern entrance, which seemed so conveniently placed, suddenly make sense. 

“That’s where we’ve been training the Gems who weren’t made for combat,” the pearl continues, nodding to indicate the sandy patch, “and the waterfall--”

She cuts off, looking sharply to the right, and, following her gaze, you see movement: a flash of blue among the green foliage. “Turquoise?” the pearl calls. “Aren’t you supposed to be at the meeting?”

“Wha--” The high-pitched voice is followed by a head, popping up from behind a bush and shaking out a liberal amount of wavy hair. “There’s a meeting? _Now?_ And I’m missing it? Sorry, I’ll just--”

You step back instinctively as she scampers by: a small Gem dressed in a tight shirt and baggy pants, her bright teal skin mottled with coppery veins. The oval turquoise on the back of her left hand gleams as she bustles by, and then she’s gone, disappeared into the dark of the caverns. 

“That’s Turquoise.” The pearl’s voice is tinged with distaste, and she folds her arms across her chest as she looks at the space the turquoise had just vacated. “Another recent arrival. She should have been inside with the rest of them.”

“You don’t trust her.” You pick the words carefully, consciously, each one a choice. 

The pearl shrugs her bony shoulders dismissively. “I don’t trust anyone at first. The rebellion’s still small. One Gem could ruin everything.” You quail under her sharp stare. Knowing you aren’t the only one she distrusts doesn’t make that distrust any easier to bear. You want to justify yourself underneath those blue eyes, but words fail you. You can’t even explain to yourself what you’re doing here; how can you hope to explain to her? 

_I wouldn’t know how to survive on my own._ That’s what you told Rose Quartz. You’re here for protection, because being with traitors is better than being alone. Except. Except. _I don’t want to be empty anymore._ That was true long before the attack. That was true from the moment you first saw the renegade pearl. You have only been with the rebels for a few hours, and already they’ve shown emotions that you can’t understand. And you - you’ve felt them, just a little, the frustrations and the desires so foreign to your kind. 

Her voice cuts through your thoughts. Her eyes are flinty. She is beautiful. She could shatter you right here. “A Gem from Blue Diamond’s court finds you. She tells you she’ll take you home if you tell her where our base is. You get to leave and never see us again. You go back to being Blue Diamond’s pretty pearl, like nothing ever happened. Do you go?”

You feel cold. The sunlight doesn’t seem to touch you. You and the pearl are the same height, and yet she towers, and her delicate hands are balled into fists, and you are shaking. If you go back you will be safe. If you go back you will not be alone, or distrusted. Blue Diamond has never mistreated you; she has treated you as expected, as promised, as a pearl. Some Gems would even say she is kind. 

But she left you. You would have followed her, but she left you behind. You served her faithfully, but she did not care; you were never a person, and your loyalty was never worthy of gratitude. It was expected. Like a tool.

If it had been the renegade pearl, you know already that Rose Quartz would not have left her behind. The pearl is a person, and you are not. You are empty.

If you left, you would always be empty. Whatever it is the Crystal Gems have - whatever it is that exists between Rose Quartz and her pearl - it would be out of your reach, forever.

“No,” you whisper. It isn’t enough, of course; you could be lying, and the pearl expects it. So you gather the words inside you and let them out, like birds set free, too strong to hold onto: “I don’t want to go back to being nothing. You _mean_ something. I see it. I want to mean something too.”

You’re still shaking, but with something other than fear, now: the intensity of your words leaves you trembling. And then, with a start, you realize that the pearl is shaking too, ever so slightly. That is, perhaps, the strangest thing of all: that you might have affected her, that _you_ caused the wind that ruffled _her_ rather than the other way around. Such a small thing, but you feel, suddenly, a little more like _something._

“All right, then.” The pearl’s voice is clipped, but there’s something appraising underneath the guardedness. She takes a breath, and then nods, clasping her hands behind her back. “In that case, welcome to the Crystal Gems.”

You release a breath you hadn’t realized you were holding. Your knees, suddenly, feel weak. You want to respond, to thank her, but a noise comes from behind, and you both turn. Voices and footsteps echo from the cavern.

The meeting is over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy steven universe day!! may we all survive this momentous night. i thought it would be appropriate timing to gift y'all with a new chapter to celebrate.
> 
> good news: finals are over and i have time to write! which hopefully means no more two-month hiatuses for a little while! (don't quote me on that though because!! i'm still not fast.)
> 
> housekeeping: i thought i was gonna answer every comment i got, but then my anxiety said No, so i may not do that, but know that i appreciate every comment i get!! (and if you ask a question or start a discussion, i'll definitely respond.) as always, feel free to hit me up at [my tumblr.](http://ofrealstrength.tumblr.com)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I admire her. You have to have a lot of guts to do what she’s done. But she _is_ weird, you can’t deny that. There’s no one else like her.” The intensity is back, like flipping a light switch. You actually lean back a little from her gaze. “Which is why what you do next is really important.”

The low rumble of voices draws closer, and you step back instinctively, clearing the way. Your head raises; your hands clasp. After a moment of hesitation, the renegade pearl also steps back, though she holds herself still with an air of authority. Her straight-backed confidence is a stark contrast to your picture of servitude, and you find your head drooping, hair falling over your eyes and hiding your blush. What are you supposed to do here? Who are you supposed to be? It feels wrong not to stand still and obeisant, as you were trained; it feels equally wrong, standing beside this of all pearls, to do so.

Gems stream out into the open, and you watch them from beneath your bangs. There are perhaps two dozen of them, and you are taken aback by the count: it is both a larger and smaller group than you expected. On the one hand, you don’t think you have ever seen so many different kinds of Gems mingling together at once. On the other, it seems inconceivable that the intrepid band of rebels giving the Diamond Authority so much trouble has fewer than thirty members.

But then, Rose Quartz and her pearl ripped through Blue Diamond’s court like a hurricane when there were only two of them. Perhaps there’s something these rebels understand that you and Homeworld don’t, something that has nothing to do with numbers.

Some of the Crystal Gems ignore you as they pass by. Some glance your way with curiosity or distrust. An onyx, tall and broad with silver bands crossing her dark skin, meets your eyes directly, and there is a look of such disdain in her gaze that you imagine you can feel yourself shrinking. You avert your eyes, and don’t look up again until the Crystal Gems have long dispersed into the valley beyond.

You would, perhaps, have stood there longer in silence, willing yourself into the background, if the renegade pearl hadn’t cleared her throat beside you. 

“I’m going to find Rose. You can stay here or go back to your room, whatever you like. Just try to stay out of trouble.”

You look up, startled, and feel your cheeks darkening as you search for something to say. But the look she’s giving you, impatient and dismissive, withers any words you might have found, and you only nod slightly, swallowing. What would you have said? _Can’t I stay with you?_ The renegade pearl doesn’t want you trailing her like a lost pet. In fact, she’s made it quite clear that she doesn’t want you here at all.

And as you cast a hesitant glance around at the valley full of Gems, you can’t help but think that the feeling is shared.

They have no reason to trust you. No reason to want you. If you could fight, or build, or strategize, then maybe — but you are a pearl. You have nothing to offer them. You aren’t the renegade pearl, hand-chosen by Rose Quartz and strong-smart-brave enough to rebuild yourself from the ground up. You’re just an extra body to deal with.

Swallowing hard, you head for a shady bit of rock and perch on the edge of it, your sheer skirt pooling around you. The stone is rough, and the grass tickles your feet, and the sunlight makes your skin feel warm - not uncomfortable, but nearly so. It’s all so _much_. You see the other Gems as if through a glass wall, visible but beyond your reach. Some mingle by the pool, or sit under the trees. The onyx has moved to the sandy area the pearl called a training ground, and another Gem - what is that? a kunzite? she’s dwarfed by the onyx - joins her, drawing a quarterstaff from the gem on her wrist and baring her teeth in an impish smile. The turquoise from before is dangling her feet into the water, speaking to a feldspar.

You wonder how many of them are talking about you. 

“Hmm.”

You jump, whipping around. A Gem stands beside you with her arms crossed and an inscrutable smile playing around her mouth, regarding you as a scientist might regard a particularly interesting specimen under their microscope.

“Oh, did I startle you? You should probably try to be more aware of your surroundings.” Nonchalant, she plops down beside you on your rock, crossing her legs under her. She’s a bright blue-green, hair hanging in a sleek curtain around her face and brushing her shoulders, blue eyes disconcertingly intense. Sitting, she’s about your height, but there’s a casual assurance in the way she holds herself that you have never had.

“I’m Aquamarine. We share a mutual acquaintance, actually. I used to work for Blue Diamond.” You glance at the gem on her shoulder and wonder if you should recognize her. Probably not. Most Gems who work _for_ Blue Diamond don’t actually get audiences _with_ Blue Diamond. And aquamarines…You frown, trying to remember their purpose. It seems like something you should know.

“Careful, don’t think too hard. You’re not used to that.” Her expression is sly, but it doesn’t feel like she’s mocking you; if anything, she looks like she’s letting you in on a joke. Or maybe she _is_ mocking you. You shift uncomfortably. You probably wouldn’t know if she was. You don’t exactly have much experience discerning complex emotions.

“Really, calm down. I don’t bite.” What a strange expression. The possibility of her _biting_ you hadn’t even crossed your mind. “I came over here because you obviously weren’t going to talk to anyone on your own, and you can’t afford to be a loner. Not with this lot not knowing whether you’re the next weird warrior pearl or just rubble waiting to happen.”

_Weird?_ Out of everything, it’s that comment that has you meeting her eyes for the first time, your mouth open in soundless reproach. 

Aquamarine laughs. “What? Have something to say? Go on, then. Use your words. We all heard you shouting in the arena, don’t clam up now.”

“You - you shouldn’t call her—“

“Oh, _that?_ You don’t like me calling Pearl weird? Freakish? _Defective?_ ” Your teeth dig deeper into your lip with every word, but Aquamarine doesn’t seem to care. She’s leaning towards you, her eyes pitiless. “Get used to it. We all know Pearl’s valuable - stars, we probably couldn’t win without her. But not everyone likes her. Plenty of Gems think she’s a freak.”

She straightens up and smiles coolly, the challenge suddenly gone from her eyes. “Don’t worry, I’m not one of them, so you can stop looking at me like that. I admire her. You have to have a lot of guts to do what she’s done. But she _is_ weird, you can’t deny that. There’s no one else like her.” The intensity is back, like flipping a light switch. You actually lean back a little from her gaze. “Which is why what you do next is really important.”

“W-What?”

“Listen. What Pearl did is crazy, right? No pearl’s ever gone rogue like that. Nobody thought a pearl _could_ learn to fight like that. No offense, but we all assumed you lot were pretty brainless. But the thing is, she’s just one pearl. An anomaly, right? If she’s the only pearl who goes rogue, it’s easy for everyone to decide she’s just a special case, and keep treating all the other pearls like nothing. ‘Cause it could just be a freak accident, right? Maybe something went wrong when she was mined, and she can only do all that stuff because she’s not a _proper_ pearl.”

You begin to see where this is going. A quivery feeling is building in your chest: fear, or something like it.

“But you? Everyone can see you look like a proper pearl, all dainty and ready to follow orders. Pearl could be a fluke, but if _you_ manage it…? Well. That’s different. That _means_ something.”

Words stick in your throat, and you fight the urge to quail under Aquamarine’s gaze. _That means something._

You don’t know how to tell her that it’s the first time anyone has called you important. By the look on her face, you think she probably already knows.

“Why…are you telling me this?”

Aquamarine shrugs, and the vehemence is gone again, replaced by nonchalance. “Rose told us how you said you want to learn to fight like Pearl. But most Gems are gonna think you’re just scared of being alone. And the way you’re acting right now, hiding out by yourself, is just going to prove them right. If you want to be a Crystal Gem, you have to work for it. Someone needed to give you a push.”

She stands, a surprisingly fluid motion: one second she was cross-legged on the rock, the next she’s on her feet and you have to look up to meet her eyes. “Besides, I think you’re interesting. I want to see how this plays out.”

And then, with that cool smile and a dainty little wave, she’s gone, headed to watch the onyx and kunzite sparring. (The kunzite is holding her own, you notice with surprise. Though the onyx is far larger and stronger, the kunzite is _fast_ , and darts around with agility, occasionally jabbing forward with her staff.) 

You watch for a while, looking without seeing, your mind a blur. What a strange Gem. You’re certain now that you’ve never met an aquamarine before. Are they all like that? Full of such energy, but so carefully controlled? 

_What you do next is really important._

The image of the pearl springs to your mind, as she was the first time you saw her: graceful and confident, dancing through warriors and leaving gems clattering to the ground in her wake. You have seen her fight, and she is elegant and poised and effective. You have seen her around Rose Quartz, soft and devoted. And you have seen her with you, sharp and clipped and impatient, every word a test. 

And Gems call her a _freak?_

On Homeworld, of course - the Diamonds did everything they could to discount the renegade pearl, making her out to be defective and insignificant - but here, among her teammates? Aquamarine claimed that she isn’t one of the Gems who dislikes Pearl, but clearly she thinks that others _do_. Because of what she had done? Because of who she dared to be?

If you follow in her footsteps, will they hate you too?

(Is hatred worse than dismissal? Is the disdain of being a proper pearl worse than the disgust of being a defective one?)

But if you follow in her footsteps, will they hate _her_ less? Because she is not an aberration, because she is not alone? If you become like her, will she thank you for it?

Or will she think you’re trying to take what she has, take away what makes her special?

You head drops into your hands, eyes squeezing shut as if that will block out the confusion in your brain. You don’t know how to do this. You don’t know how to make decisions on your own. You want Pearl to like you, to trust you, to _teach_ you. You want the other Gems to accept you. You want to feel important.

But if you fail? If Pearl refuses to teach you? Or, worse, if she tries, and you can’t learn after all, and you're left with nothing but her blistering disappointment? What will you do then? Where will you go? How will you face the shame?

Pearl, Aquamarine called her. Not _the_ pearl. Just Pearl, like a name, and you realize it’s filtered into your thoughts too. She isn’t just _a_ pearl, is she? She's more than that. Even if there’s two of you, she’s already Pearl. She’s earned the name, claimed it; _you’re_ the other pearl. You’re the nameless one. You don’t matter. 

Yet.

_What you do next is really important. If you want to be a Crystal Gem, you have to work for it._

If you don’t take this chance, then what will you be? Blue Diamond’s pearl. A lost little Gem, hiding in the rebels’ base, ignored or disliked. Maybe they’ll force you out. Maybe you’ll wander the Earth alone until some beast eats you. Maybe Homeworld will find you, and they’ll break you for associating with Crystal Gems. Or maybe they’ll think you just fell to Earth on your own, and take you back with them. Except that Blue Diamond will have a new pearl by then, so you will probably be recycled anyway. And even if you aren’t - you already know that you don’t want to go back to Homeworld and be empty.

_You have to work for it._

So you’ll work. It’s the only choice. It was the only choice ever since you first called for the Crystal Gems to wait. You could fail. But to not try, to give up and wait for someone else to decide what to do with you…

It’s what a pearl would do. But it isn’t what _she_ would do.

You open your eyes, and realize with surprise that the sun is setting. But then, of course it is; the entire battle, the hours of walking through the jungle, being shown around by Pearl, sitting out here - it’s been less than a day since you stood by Blue Diamond’s side, convinced that nothing would change. The longest day of your life. You’re tired in a way you’ve never been before, but - 

at the same time - 

more _alive_ \- 

The sun is setting, and the gold and pink shimmer in the waterfall and gleam off the surface of the pool. Gems are dispersing. Some move inside the caverns, others gather closer together to talk in low voices. Little lights flicker in the air; you watch them in confusion, blinking in and out, bobbing around the valley, until one lights up close to you and see - they are _creatures_ , insects that carry their own light inside them. You hold out a hand, and one lands on your palm. It lights up, illuminating its own little body, its translucent wings and delicate legs. And then, with a flutter and a blink, it disappears into the night.

But it doesn’t leave you alone, not really. Your fingers curl around your palm, where you can still feel the tingle of nerves where its legs touched. From somewhere else in the valley, laughter rings out - just one bright, clear voice at first, and then a small chorus, easy and warm. There’s a feeling inside you. You don’t have a name for it, but it fills you up, until it feels _bigger_ than you, like your body wasn’t made to hold it. It’s - it should scare you, the size of this feeling, but it doesn’t; somehow, perhaps for the first time today, you feel calm.

The Earth is beautiful. It has sunsets and creatures with light inside of them. It inspires Gems to fight, and to bond, and to love. It has Rose Quartz, and it has Pearl. And it has you, now, and maybe you can be beautiful within it.

Soon, you will go to your room and spend the night there. It’s small and empty, but it’s yours; it’s the _only_ thing that’s yours. You will lie down and rest your aching muscles. In the morning, you’ll talk to Pearl and ask her what you have to do to be like her. If she doesn’t have time for you, you’ll ask another Crystal Gem for help. Maybe Aquamarine. Maybe even Rose Quartz. _Someone_ will tell you what to do.

But for now, in this moment, you sit and watch as the sun sinks below the horizon. You watch the lights bob in the air - and, far above, you watch the stars come out. One of them is Homeworld, you suppose, and many others are Gem-controlled. But they are far away, and not nearly as important as the lights floating right above you, the lights you can hold in your palm.

_Welcome to Earth_ , you think to yourself, and dare to smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “it’s summer!” i said. “i’ll update quickly!” i said. do not listen to me. i am a liar.
> 
> some notes:
> 
> —when bp asks “why are you telling me this?” it took all of my self-restraint not to have aqua reply, “i’m being honest.” just saying.  
> —it’s so hard to figure out how many crystal gems there’ll be. judging by the number of corrupted gems in the present, probably hundreds; it’s still early in the rebellion at this point, though, so i kept the number small. i figure they’ll eventually operate out of several different bases, but right now they’re still getting on their feet. (mostly, i just wanted to have a manageable cast to work with.)  
> —wanna see a picture of aquamarine? [of course you do.](http://i1166.photobucket.com/albums/q607/charmify/Screen%20Shot%202015-11-27%20at%206.59.47%20PM%20copy_zpsieoa0kkg.png) way back when the gemsona maker was first released, i played around with it and made a few on a whim. she was one of them. which means she predates this story by about four months, funnily enough.
> 
> comments are the air i breathe. some particularly thoughtful and kind comments were what finally got me off my ass to write this chapter, so i will appreciate them always and forever. and, as always, feel free to come chill with me on my [pearl blog.](http://ofrealstrength.tumblr.com) thank you guys and have a great day <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Blue Diamond's pearl..."
> 
> "Mm?"
> 
> "Is she going to be okay?"

Resolve, you discover, is harder to maintain in the light of day.

Figurative light, that is. The sun does not reach your little room, though you did discover upon entering last night that someone had laid a bedroll upon the floor. It’s strange - almost uncomfortable - to imagine anyone doing something for you. You wonder if it was Pearl. You wonder if Rose Quartz ordered it, or if she did it on her own.

Either way, it is a relief. Gems may not need the sleep that organic creatures use to sustain themselves, but they do tire, and yesterday was without exception the most exhausting day of your life. Your overworked muscles stiffened as you sat outside, and by the time you rose to follow the last Gems back into the caverns, it was all you could do to hobble along and collapse onto the bedroll. 

Your first attempt to move, upon hearing other Gems bustling about outside your room in the morning, is met with ill results. Every muscle aches. Your head pounds. You’ve felt some soreness before, from days spent standing utterly still by your Diamond’s side, but nothing, nothing like this. Do all Gems who move and fight feel this way? Or is it just because you are a pearl, and weak?

Your vision of getting up and marching to Pearl to announce that you’re ready to learn how to be a proper Crystal Gem feels much less attainable now that you can’t seem to move past _getting up._

And maybe that’s for the best. If you can’t even move after a few hours of walking, how will you ever learn to fight? Pearl did it, but Pearl is _more_ than you. Maybe it isn’t the training that taught her how to be that way; maybe she has _always_ been that way, and only a Gem like her, with some innate _difference_ , can do what she’s done.

You don’t feel like her. She’s a warrior. You’re nothing but a lost pearl who can’t get out of bed. 

It would be easier, in the end, to stay here. Less painful, too. You could lie here and rest until someone comes looking for you, and for all you know that could be a very long time from now. It wouldn’t be such a bad thing, to lie still and alone in the dark. 

Except that Pearl’s face swims before your closed eyes: not the face of disdain or impatience, but the way she looked after you fell in the jungle, tired and resigned and sad. She looked at you as if you had already given up, but you kept going. You surprised her.

You want to keep surprising her. You pushed yourself up once before, when you were bruised and exhausted. You can do it again.

  


* * *

  


It takes what feels like an age, but in the end you push yourself to your feet and stumble toward the open doorway. The more you move, you realize, the more your limbs feel like limbs and not just lengths of lead attached to your body. They still hurt, but at least you no longer feel like you’re going to be trapped in one position for the rest of your life.

By the time you peek out, the hallway is empty. More gently glowing balls of light illuminate the rocky corridor from their sconces, and you resolve to ask for one to put inside your room. They’re standard issue Gem light globes; either the rebels scavenged them from ships, or there’s a technician here with the knowledge and resources to make them. It’s nice to have at least one thing from home amidst the rock and dirt of Earth.

You walk past the other personal rooms, and then you reach the fork, and it halts you in your tracks. It’s an open question, an unmade decision: where to go? Ahead to the valley? Left to the meeting room? It’s such a small thing, but your mind goes blank, and you squeeze your eyes shut in frustration. You have never had to decide things for yourself before. You have never had to look at two branching corridors and pick one, with no commanding voice guiding your way. Your choice to call out to the Crystal Gems yesterday came on the waves of adrenaline and panic; with time to process, you find that you don’t know _how_ to process.

It’s ridiculous, but standing there, facing an empty hallway with no orders, no voices telling you what to do or where to go, holding yourself up with legs that ache in ways you didn’t know were possible, you begin to cry. You can’t become a Crystal Gem. You can’t even pick a _direction_.

You aren’t sure how long you stand there, crying and hurting, until a voice calls out.

“Pearl?”

You startle, and then look around for the Gem in question. But there’s no sign of her, and after a moment you realize that the voice was addressing _you_. Blinking away tears, you look back and see a Gem approaching: tall, broad-shouldered, and watching you with recognition in her eyes.

You must look frightened, because she raises her hands in a peaceful gesture. And that’s when you see her gems.

Gems, plural.

You gasp, backpedaling rapidly, and the Gem - the _fusion_ \- halts, looks at her raised hands, and grimaces. You hardly notice - you’re too busy imagining how easily she could break you in half, and why would they send a _fusion_ after you, what did you _do_ —

“No, no, it’s okay! I’m not going to hurt you!”

You pause; there’s something familiar about that voice, raised in surprise and chagrin. And then you realize. Gems on her hands.

It isn’t just any fusion. It’s the fusion from the cloud arena. The ruby and sapphire.

“Y-you…”

“It’s okay,” the fusion repeats, lowering her hands so that her gems are out of your line of sight. “I’m sorry for startling you.”

“You’re…S-Sapphire, and…”

“Actually,” the fusion says gently, “my name is Garnet.”

Garnet. A fusion with a _name_. You shake your head, leaning against the wall. They must have found Rose Quartz and Pearl after they’d escaped from Blue Diamond. But why are they still fused? Gems of different types aren’t even supposed to be _able_ to fuse. They don’t _look_ dangerous, but the fear is still there, pounding in your chest. Fusions are weapons, after all.

“Rose told us about you,” the fusion continues. They - she? - are obviously trying to be as unthreatening as possible, and slowly your trembling slows. They - _she_ \- aren’t the same hodgepodge of color that appeared before Blue Diamond, which is why you didn’t recognize her at first. Her curly hair is a purplish color rather than split blue and pink, and her clothes too have taken on a more organized color palette: her pants are maroon, her tunic blue with pink sleeves. The effect is still a little… _scattered_ , but less chaotic than the first time you saw her. What does that mean? That she’s been…practicing?

“She said Blue Diamond left you behind. I’m sorry.”

You blink, uncertain. The fusion is showing…sympathy? You’ve received pity, since you’ve arrived, but not sympathy. Does the fusion feel as if she knows you because you were in the same court? You aren’t sure how to respond, so instead you find yourself saying, “You…weren’t at the battle.”

She shakes her head. “If I’d gone, Blue Diamond’s forces would have targeted me. I could have been badly hurt. It was safer to stay behind.”

The certainty in her voice confuses you until you remember - one of her components is a sapphire. “You can still…see…?”

The fusion - Garnet, she called herself - nods. “I have Sapphire’s future vision, just as I have Ruby’s strength.”

“Do you know…” You hesitate, struck by an idea. “Can you see…if I can do it? If I can - be a Crystal Gem?”

She doesn’t answer for a long moment; her eyes are focused somewhere past you. It gives you time to be nervous. Maybe you don’t want to know the answer. But if you’re doomed to fail, shouldn’t you know now?

Finally, she nods. “If you work hard and believe in yourself, you _can_ become a Crystal Gem.”

Believe in yourself. That’s easier said than done. Still, it’s good to know that you have a chance. Maybe that’s all you need. It’s certainly more than you’ve ever had before. “Okay,” you murmur, and close your eyes. You are tired. Maybe you’ll always be tired. But someone here knows you can do this, and that’s enough.

“Was there somewhere you wanted to go?” Garnet prompts after a moment, and you imagine how you must have looked when she came upon you, crying silently in the middle of the hallway. You feel your cheeks darken. 

“P-Pearl. I…was going to find Pearl.” 

The fusion nods. “She’ll be leading training. I’ll show you.” She heads straight, towards the valley, expecting you to follow. (Or _knowing_ you’ll follow, you amend with a mixture of discomfort and intrigue. What would it be like to know the future?)

Despite the fact that this is the first time you’ve actually spoken to her or her components - despite the fact that it still feels rather like you’re following a walking weapon rather than a person - maybe you _do_ feel a little like you know her. Or perhaps it’s that she’s the only Gem so far who’s actively offered to help you, assuming you don’t count Aquamarine’s cryptic commentary as “help.” Either way, you find that you want to keep talking to her.

“Pearl,” you pipe up. “Does she…She doesn’t seem to like me.”

Garnet stops, for a moment, and then keeps walking. Her stride is long; though she doesn’t seem to be in a hurry, you have to skip a little to keep up. “Pearl has worked very hard to be who she is. And she’s faced a lot of trouble for it. I don’t think she likes seeing a reminder of who she used to be.”

You duck your head at that, letting your hair cover your eyes. Guilt squirms in your stomach even as you privately disagree with Garnet - you don’t think Pearl was ever like _you._

“But,” Garnet continues, “that doesn’t mean you can’t change her mind. She could use someone who understands her.”

Who understands her? You aren’t sure you understand Pearl at all. You don’t really _know_ her - you know the fearsome rebel pearl who defied Homeworld, but you don’t know _Pearl_. You don’t know what to say to her, or how to make her trust you. You certainly don’t know how to do what she did - the entire reason you’re here is because you want _help_. You can’t do it on your own.

But maybe, if you learn to fight like her, you’ll come to understand her along the way. And if that would really help her - if _you_ , of all Gems, could _help_ her…You feel the determination, like a warm glow in your stomach, underneath all the nerves and doubts. You want to do that for her, if you can.

  


* * *

  


You hear Pearl before you see her. Her high, sharp voice rings out in the morning air, giving directions. _A pearl, giving directions_. Garnet heads for the training grounds, and there she is: a slight figure before a motley pack of Gems, mid-gesture. It takes you a moment to work out what the group has in common, but then you realize - none of them are warriors. There isn't a quartz among them. Turquoise is there beside the feldspar she was speaking with last night. A nervous-looking selenite hovers near the back. Aquamarine is in the front, and gives you a conspiratorial wink when she notices you. 

They're all noncombatant Gems, built for a purpose beyond fighting. And Pearl is leading them.

"Practice the form I taught you," she's saying, and you marvel at her confidence. "I'll come around and check your posture. Then you can pair up and spar."

Garnet sits at the edge of the sandy ground, patting the grass beside her. After a moment's hesitation, you join her. You can't take your eyes off of Pearl. She's watching from the front as the group falls, with some semblance of unison, into a fighting stance. They're all holding swords, though the weapons are obviously scavenged, a myriad of different styles and lengths. The group begins, at various speeds and levels of confidence, to move through a series of thrusts, parries, blocks. After a few moments of observation, Pearl moves among them, correcting a stance here, a grip there. Out of them all, Aquamarine is clearly the most skilled; looking closer, you realize that the rapier she holds must be her own summoned weapon. If she can summon a weapon and knows how to use it, why is she here?

Turquoise fumbles her parry, and accepts Pearl's correction with a rueful smile. The selenite blushes when Pearl bends to guide her feet to the right position, but there's determination on her face when she starts again. You're amazed. A _pearl_ is telling them what to do, and they're _listening._

Until Feldspar. Her movements are sharp and awkward, and she wields her sword like it has done her some personal offense. You can see her growing frustrated, and when Pearl comes to correct her a second time, she snaps, loudly enough for even you to hear, "Why do we have to listen to _you_ , anyway? Why isn't Onyx teaching us? She's the _real_ warrior."

Pearl's shoulders stiffen. The Gems around her slowly fall still. Some, like Selenite, look embarrassed or concerned. But others, to your dismay if not your surprise, look like they agree with Feldspar; even Turquoise gives a tiny, perhaps unconscious nod. Aquamarine is looking on with her rapier balanced across her shoulders, for all the world like she's watching a vaguely interesting tennis match. 

"You're right," Pearl says, her hard voice cutting clearly through the air. Feldspar looks surprised, then momentarily triumphant, until Pearl continues. "Onyx is a real warrior. She was mined knowing how to wield an axe. Fighting is instinctive for her. Feldspar," she asks pointedly, "How do you form a body?"

Feldspar opens her mouth, pauses, and then glares, crossing her arms with the sulky air of a would-be hunter who instead finds their foot in a trap. After a long moment, Pearl looks away. "Selenite. How do you form a body?"

Selenite jumps at being addressed, and then shakes her head. "I don't know how to explain it. I just _do_.”

"Exactly." Pearl looks around at them all. "Onyx just _does_. She can fight as easily as Feldspar can pilot or Selenite can interpret schematics. How do you teach what comes naturally to you?"

You notice that you've stopped breathing. The valley is very quiet. Aquamarine is smiling. 

"None of you are fighters. You aren't going to pick it up all at once. You need to learn _technique_. You need to learn how to fight without strength or instinct on your side. I can teach you that." She looks at Feldspar. "If you don't think I'm qualified, I'm happy to spar with you. Garnet?"

"Yes?" Garnet answers without missing a beat.

"Who would win that sparring match?"

"You would."

"Well, there you have it." Pearl smiles brightly. "Saves us the trouble. Now, anyone who wants to learn from Onyx is welcome to go find her. The rest of you can pair up and spar."

After a moment of silence, the Gems break into movement, forming pairs and murmuring to each other under their breath. Feldspar looks mutinous, but turns to face Turquoise even so. Turquoise smiles at her sympathetically. 

Pearl returns to the front, still smiling, but you can see the tension thrumming in her taut muscles. And if there was any doubt that she isn't as at ease as she seems, it's thwarted when she turns and calls sharply, "You." She's pointing at you, and you nearly quail back as she faces you. Her eyes are as dangerous as you've ever seen them. "If you're going to sit there, you can stretch. Garnet, show her how?" 

Garnet nods, and you bow your head, face burning. The first time she's looked at you all day, and the venom in her gaze…

“She isn’t angry at you,” Garnet murmurs, and you nod reluctantly. "Do what I do." She stretches out one leg and leans forward over it, stretching her hands out to reach her toes. You try to copy her, and wince at the unfamiliar tug on your sore muscles. 

"They've never had to do something they aren't already good at," Garnet continues as she stretches. "That's what happens when you design a Gem to be good at one thing and let them do it all their lives. This is the first time they've had to struggle to learn something. It frustrates them."

"She's so fierce." Your voice is an awed whisper.

"She's had a lot of practice standing up for herself," Garnet says, and then chuckles. “She wasn't always like that. Used to be she was flustered every time someone who wasn't Rose spoke to her. She's learned to fight her own battles."

She sounds proud. She and Pearl are more than just teammates, you realize - they're _friends_. You imagine it: a pearl who fights and a fusion who doesn't, justifying themselves to the world, to their own allies. You suppose it isn't surprising that they celebrate each other's victories.

Maybe it's strange, but you're glad to think Pearl has a friend. And then it hits you, like an ache, like hands gripping your heart: _you_ want to be her friend, too. You want to speak of her with proud familiarity. You want her to trust you with her friendship. 

Garnet leads you through a series of stretches. They're hard; soon every part of you burns and aches, and your muscles quiver with effort as you try in vain to reach as far as Garnet. But, amazingly, they help - it's a _good_ ache, unlike the awful soreness of before, and your muscles feel looser than they have since before yesterday's battle. Maybe you'll be able to walk without hobbling now. You spare a moment to be grateful for Pearl - she took the time to help you when she could have ignored you altogether. Even if it was indirect. Even if she only did it because she was angry.

You try to keep an eye on the training, but it takes most of your concentration to copy Garnet’s stretches, and you’re aware only of the sounds of sparring, the uncertain clink of swords and the occasional swell of voices. Pearl’s voice cuts through the rest like a thrust of her own blade, efficient and detailed in her suggestions but less patient than before.

Eventually, Garnet stands. “I have to go.” She doesn’t offer an explanation, and you’re too shy to inquire. You’ve probably kept her too long already. Looking up at her, though, you feel the urge to - to thank her. For what, you’re not quite sure. For recognizing you. For answering questions you didn’t ask, and not demanding you ask them. You want to apologize for fearing her.

You open your mouth, but the words get stuck somewhere in your throat, and you swallow instead. But Garnet nods at you before she turns away and you think maybe she understands.

With Garnet gone, you feel…smaller. More intrusive. You pull your knees up to your chest as you watch the group of training Gems. Pearl must have called an end to the session while you weren’t listening, because they’re relinquishing their swords - or, in Aquamarine’s case, sliding her rapier back into the gem on her shoulder - and dispersing. 

Pearl turns to leave. Alarmed, you scramble to your feet, though your hurry quickly melts to shy hesitation as you draw near. She slides her own sword into her gem with sharp precision and takes a moment to smooth down her tunic, flicking dust off the hem. “Um,” you say, and her expression when she looks over is distracted; her eyes glance over you and then flicker away. 

“I wanted to…”

“Listen, not…Not now,” she interrupts, and her voice is harried but there is a tiredness underneath, something dark around her eyes that you couldn’t see from a distance. “I’m…busy.” And she leaves without looking at you, and you don’t work up the nerve to follow. Left behind in the wake of her path again.

You stand there for a long moment, uncertain. The one goal you had was to reach Pearl, and now you’re in limbo once again.

“Hey, don’t worry.”

You turn. Selenite hovers behind you, offering a nervous smile. She’s small and even paler than Pearl. Her short, fluffy white hair half-hides the gem on her forehead. 

“About Pearl, I mean? She’s always crabby after battles. Aqua says she regenerates too fast. Rose usually tries to get her to poof for a while so she can heal, but she doesn’t really like being gone for long? Which I get, but she’s always in a better mood afterwards, and training’s a lot easier when she doesn’t snap at you, so - oh, sorry, am I rambling? I’m rambling.”

You’ve been staring down at her through your hair. You tilt your head a little so it falls to the side, and blink.

“Anyway, you just looked kind of lost, so I thought I’d come and see if you needed…help? I guess? I don’t know if you’ve been introduced to everyone, or shown around…”

“Pearl showed me around,” you say quietly, and Selenite stops immediately, leaning in to hear. “Yesterday.”

“Oh! Well, that’s good. But you don’t have anything to do right now, do you?”

You shake your head. “I was going to talk to…” She follows your gaze to the cavern mouth where Pearl disappeared.

“Oh, I gotcha.” She smiles sympathetically. “Well…you can hang out with me, if you want? I’ve got some stuff to work on, but you’re welcome to tag along. And I can tell you more about what we do here? I could be wrong, but I get the feeling not many people have talked to you yet.”

You shake your head. Selenite bites her lip. “Yeah. It’s not usually like this when we get someone new. You’re…a little different. But that’s okay! So, how about it? Wanna come with me for a while?”

After a moment, you nod. Selenite seems friendly, and she wasn’t one of the Gems who seemed to agree with Feldspar earlier. And you’d much rather let Selenite lead you around than figure out what to do on your own.

“Great!” she beams. “Come on, I’ll show you the ship.”

  


* * *

  


“The ship” turns out to be a myriad of Gem tech tucked away in a corner of the valley. It is indeed mostly the wreckage of a small vessel, but that’s clearly not all; it looks as if any broken but potentially useful equipment and technology gets tossed here, for the express purpose of tinkering. Feldspar’s the resident technician, Selenite explains, and spends a lot of her time here, but Selenite’s a close second when it comes to fixing things. She’s an architect, and partially responsible for many of the designs for the Gem structures built on Earth. 

“I’m not as good as Feldspar with technology, but I understand how things go together, you know?” she says, showing you a half-finished light globe (which answers your question about where the ones in the caverns came from). “Once she shows me how to make something, I’ve got it. We don’t exactly have access to all the resources on Homeworld, so we take what we can get and try to make things out of it. It’s fun, actually. I’ve been working on these flash bombs…”

You’re content to sit and watch her tinker, and she’s content to fill the silence; she doesn’t seem to mind that you don’t often comment. The shyness she showed at the training grounds is gone now, as she finishes the light globe and hands it to you to examine - “You can keep it if you like, I bet your room doesn’t have one yet.” - replaced by a cheerful confidence. It’s nice, you decide. _She’s_ nice.

You learn more about the other Gems, too. Feldspar really isn’t so bad, Selenite insists, as long as she doesn’t get too frustrated. Apparently Pearl’s training sessions are a regular occurrence - every Gem has skills that can help ( _except me_ , you think privately), but they won’t be of much use in the end if they can’t defend themselves, and it’s generally - if reluctantly - agreed that Pearl is the best one to teach them. 

When you ask why Aquamarine was there when she looked like she already knew how to fight, Selenite shrugs, but her smile has changed. The look on her face is oddly familiar, but you can’t immediately place it. “She says she was never trained to fight other Gems, so she should be there. But you’re right, she’s the only one who comes to Pearl’s practices who can summon her weapon. Sometimes I think she just thinks it’s entertaining.”

“What’s she…for?” you venture.

“Aqua? She’s a scout. You don’t know about aquamarines?” You shrug. Selenite leans forward, eyes sparkling. “They’re the first on the ground when we find new planets to colonize. They send Red Eyes and everything first, right, to see if it’s viable? But then, when they’re looking for the best places to start production and building, and also for any native fauna that might cause trouble, they send aquamarines. They’re made for reconnaissance. A squad will go down, search out their assigned regions, run scans and everything, and report back. They keep in contact with their comms, and we record all the information they send up top.”

It’s starting to ring a bell. You remember, now, meetings with Blue Diamond, mentions of the newest reports from the aquamarine squads. 

“They’re kind of fascinating, actually - they sort of have their own little societies just among aquamarines, since they’re so often planetside without any direct guidance. They have a reputation for recklessness - I think there’s research going on to create a more obedient model, but they kind of _have_ to be self-sufficient to deal with surprises on the ground, don’t they? Anyway, I think they sort of view themselves as outside the rest of Gem culture. They’re kind of a wild card, there are Gems who think they should be replaced entirely because of that, but they get good results, so—“

 _A wild card._ Remembering the way Aquamarine accosted you yesterday, you can believe it. _I want to see how this plays out,_ she’d said, as if none of it affected her. What did Selenite just say? _I think she just thinks it’s entertaining._ You aren’t sure you trust a Gem like that, who looks on from the outside. And yet she _did_ give you good advice. 

“How did she get here?”

Selenite looks down, that same smile playing around her lips. “Oh, I don’t know the whole story. But from what I heard, she was the only aquamarine in her squad left alive when Rose found her. I don’t know what happened to the rest of them. Her equipment was fried and she was trying to make it back to a base, but as soon as she realized who Rose was, she signed on with the Crystal Gems instead.”

“Does she believe in Rose Quartz’s…thing? Or does she…” You trail off, uncertain whether it would be a good idea to finish that question. _Or does she just “want to see how it plays out”?_

“I…I don’t know for sure.” Selenite bites her lip. “But I like to think she does. I know she acts like she doesn’t care, but she does. I can tell.”

Oh. Now you know where you’ve seen that look before. It’s the same soft look Pearl gets when she talks about Rose.

  


* * *

  


You spend the rest of the afternoon with Selenite, until she looks at the sun, squeaks, and says something about promising to meet Feldspar in the jungle to test the flash bombs she’d been developing. She gives you a wave and dashes off, and you’re left sitting in a pile of discarded Gem technology, abandoned until they fell into the hands of Gems who take them and try to turn them into something usable. Somehow, you think you belong here more than you’ve belonged anywhere else in the Crystal Gem base.

But the light globe pulses gently in your hands, reminding you that you now have something of your own to put into your little room. The glow between your fingers reminds you of the creatures from last night, and you think you like that your first possession is something meant to light your way. Though it isn’t dark yet, you hold it in front of you like a guide on your way to your room. And though you mean to fix it to the wall, you hesitate and then sit on your bedroll instead, cupping it in your palms and watching it cast shadows on your skin. The heat coming off of it indicates that it’s less efficient than the globes produced on Homeworld, made from lower-grade materials, but you can’t find it in you to think it defective. Light without heat is a Homeworld concept and reminds you of the white glare of a ship or the inside of your Diamond’s rooms. Light and heat together is like the sun outside, and feels of Earth.

You let yourself drift, for a while, away from thought and feeling, anchoring yourself only to the warmth in your hands. It’s something you learned during the hours of standing outside Blue Diamond’s palanquin with no purpose except to look properly ornamental: how to lose time, how to let your mind wander without dreaming. You were grateful for it, once the rebellion began to grow and the reports to Blue Diamond became grim, speaking of violence and treason. There were some things you’d rather not have to hear.

When you come back to yourself - startled into awareness, perhaps, by some noise outside - you find that you have grown stiff. You know without checking that night has fallen. Now should be the time to lie and rest for whatever comes tomorrow, but you find yourself shifting, restless in your little room. Your body wishes for movement, and your mind conjures up pictures of the starry sky. You wonder if the glowing insects are out again tonight. If it is late, and the valley is deserted, maybe you can sit outside for a while. Now that you have your light globe you don’t worry about finding your way back.

You slip down the hall, moving quietly. You don’t _think_ there’s any reason you shouldn’t go as you please, even at night, but the darkness calls for quiet, and you’re instinctively wary of being caught wandering about alone. ( _Wrong_ , a voice in your head yells, _wrong, you don’t leave without being ordered, you are a pearl. Your Diamond will have you broken._ You grit your teeth against it. Your Diamond left you behind, and does not care down which caverns you now skulk. Pearl would go where she pleased, and so shall you.)

You slip outside, and the stars are out, and the valley is hushed. You step into the grass, feeling something in you relax, as if the rock walls of the caves were a knot tied too tightly around your chest and the open air loosens its bonds. You move towards the particular rock you have deemed yours - but pause, suddenly, as voices float over the air towards you.

Before you can question yourself, you click the globe in your hands off and duck behind a bush. The urge to hide - _you moved out of turn, you’ll be broken if they catch you_ \- is too strong to ignore. You peek out, deciding to sneak back inside before you’re noticed…and freeze once more.

Pearl and Garnet are sitting together by the pool.

You agonize for a moment, and then, with a squirm of nerves and eagerness in nearly equal measure, remain behind your bush, light globe safely off by your knees, peering out at the two of them and straining to listen.

“—suppose I probably shouldn’t have brought you into it,” Pearl is saying.

“She’ll resent you for it,” Garnet answers. They must be talking about Feldspar.

“Wonderful.” There’s a flash of pale movement and a small splash — Pearl tossing a pebble into the water. She pauses, and then adds wryly, “You have to admit it was satisfying, though.”

Garnet chuckles lowly. “It was.”

Pearl sighs. “I know I should have reasoned with her, not humiliated her. But I’m so _tired_ of— you’d think by now they’d—“ Her voice rises in frustration. “I’m just trying to _help_ them!”

“Exactly. They don’t want to think they need help from—“

“—from a pearl,” Pearl finishes, and you shiver at the bitterness that weighs down the words. “I know. I just…” The splash is preceded by a sharp _crack_ this time as the rock she threw hits the cliff face before dropping into the water. 

Garnet lays a calming hand on Pearl’s shoulder. “Pearl. You need to rest.”

“But—“

“Nothing’s going to happen.” The fusion taps her forehead. “Promise.”

Pearl sighs, and leans against Garnet’s shoulder. You can’t see it from your hiding place, but you picture her eyes, dull with exhaustion, fluttering closed. “All right. Just for a day, though.”

“Two.”

“ _Garnet—_ "

“Pearl.” Garnet’s voice is kind, but firm. “It’ll be fine. You need to heal.”

You remember what Selenite said. _She’s always crabby after battles. Aqua says she regenerates too fast._ This morning, the soreness of one day of walking felt like too much to overcome. What must Pearl endure, pushing through fight after fight without proper rest? You think of her fretful distraction when she turned away from you this morning, the shadows under her eyes. Is this the price she pays for freedom?

“Fine. Two days.” Her voice is faint. “Rose’ll be pleased.”

“Rose will wish it was longer.”

Pearl doesn’t respond to that, and they’re quiet for a few minutes, long enough that you consider trying to tiptoe away. You worry that Pearl might hear you, but this moment does not belong to you, and the guilt is creeping in.

And then Pearl says, “Blue Diamond’s pearl…” and you go still.

“Mm?”

“Is she going to be okay?”

Something warm blooms in the pit of your stomach, like a glow in the dark of the night. 

Garnet is quiet for a moment. “There are futures where she makes it, and futures where she doesn’t.”

“But you’re saying that she _can_ make it.”

“Only with your support, Pearl. She can’t do it alone.”

Pearl hums low in her throat, almost a quiet laugh, but not quite. “Well, neither could I.” She straightens, lifting her head off of Garnet’s shoulder, and looks away. “I can’t be her Rose, Garnet.” 

“I don’t think she wants a Rose. She wants a Pearl.” 

A pause. Then Pearl shifts, rising to her feet, and Garnet follows suit. “Talk to her when you come back,” Garnet suggests, and Pearl nods.

“I will.”

You hold your breath as they pass your hiding place. Pearl walks right by, but - and perhaps it’s your imagination - you swear Garnet glances in your direction as she passes.

You sit there, huddled in the grass, long after they disappear into the caverns. Your head buzzes; your hands twist in your skirt, delicate in such a large world. There are many things to think on, but your mind grasps at one thread the hardest.

_There are futures where she makes it, and futures where she doesn’t._

Fear is an easy emotion to recognize; it is, perhaps, the one you’re best acquainted with. Futures where she doesn’t. Garnet didn’t say that one was more likely than the other. How many futures? How many paths lead to your abandonment - or your death? She told you you could do this, but how slim is that chance? You wonder if she has seen your gem shattered on some battlefield, lost in the dirt. 

You decide that sometimes it is best not to know the future at all. Not Garnet’s futures, anyway, the phantom ones that, so far as you understand it, can shift and mislead. If she sees many futures, then most of them are wrong.

But there are other futures you can hold on to - futures like _Talk to her_ and _I will_. You do not want to live by maybe-futures of life or death, but you will hold onto this, to Pearl’s promises, to a world where she cares if you succeed or fail. 

In two days, she will finally talk to you. That is future enough for you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy summer of steven! for those who might be wondering, yes, mr. greg killed me and i am Deceased.
> 
> notes for this chapter:  
> —u guys ever have moments where you’re faced with a decision that should be simple, but your brain just stalls out? that’s like blue pearl’s entire life rip  
> —hi garnet!! listen u guys i love the concept of garnet and pearl being close friends during the rebellion bc they’re both New and breaking boundaries and trying to get the world to be okay with that. they make me emotional  
> —speaking of things that make me emotional, welcome to my headcanon that pearl's quick regenerations during battle are, like, _really unhealthy and bad._ consider: amethyst regenerates in a few hours - and much quicker if she hurries. pearl, the one time we've seen her reform, took two weeks, which the gems considered an unusually long time. let's say that pearl's normal regeneration time to heal from a substantial wound would be one week. one week to heal from being stabbed, and she forces herself through it in a fraction of the time so she can keep fighting. quartzes, i think, were _designed_ for quick regenerations. pearls weren't. it isn't good for her....and, because i love to make my faves suffer, we'll see more consequences of that later on.
> 
> as always, comments give me life, i love you all, and feel free to come cry with me on my [pearl blog!](http://ofrealstrength.tumblr.com)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You have always been lithe and graceful, but nobody ever told you that you could be _more_ , that your muscles could stretch _farther_. You never knew there was a way to improve your own strength, your own flexibility, beyond what you were made with.
> 
> You don’t suppose it’s the sort of thing Homeworld wants to teach you.

Pearl doesn’t take two days to regenerate. She takes five.

In the meantime, you learn how to be a rebel. 

Much of your time is spent with Selenite, who waves to you on what you begin to think of as Day One and never objects to you tagging along while she works at the ship or visits other Gems. The only time she actively turns you away is when she leaves the base to venture into the jungle. (“Not that I don’t trust you! It’s just, it’s easy to get lost in the jungle, and you’ve only been here a few days, and I don’t really want to bring you out without Rose’s permission, you know?”)

She seems to have taken it upon herself, when she’s not working, to introduce you to other Crystal Gems, and slowly you grow to know the other faces around the base. Many of them are neutrally distant, polite enough when Selenite introduces you, but quick to dismiss you afterwards. You don’t blame them; you are easy to dismiss, and they have been trained all their lives to ignore pearls that aren’t directly useful to them.

Feldspar, who spends at least part of most days with Selenite, doesn’t even try to be friendly, but at least she’s honest about it. Not that she’s outwardly hostile - she regards you with vague distaste, like a stray animal that has crept into her workspace and is dirtying up the place, and does her best to ignore you. You’re content to return the favor. Whatever Selenite may insist about Feldspar being a decent friend, the way she spoke to Pearl during training has you predisposed to dislike her.

There is no formal training while Pearl is gone, but it isn’t uncommon to see a pair or trio of Gems sparring on the training grounds. You watch Aquamarine and Kunzite spar, once; Aquamarine’s rapier against Kunzite’s quarterstaff makes for what looks to you more like a dance than anything, a series of feints and dodges and cleverly-placed hits. Kunzite is small but _fast_ , and Aquamarine, though lacking a warrior’s strength, has good timing.

They see you watching, and Kunzite gives you an ironic salute. She’s a small lavender ball of energy: her wild purple hair and bubbly, quick voice threaten to overwhelm you. She _seems_ friendly enough, but there’s something sharp about her, and you keep your distance after the first meeting. You remember kunzites from your time with Blue Diamond, who occasionally conferred with them. They’re tacticians, clever and versatile, made to help their commanders adapt strategy during battles. “They have to be fighters too, since they’re right there in the thick of it,” Selenite supplements your own knowledge. “So she’s fast _and_ smart. She’s really good, actually - she can look at a battle and see strategy like I can look at a building and see blueprints. It’s kind of scary, really.”

Though Aquamarine asks afterward with a sly smile if you want to join them, you don’t go near the sparring. You _do_ , however, continue the stretches that Garnet taught you. Every day, you settle down by the rock on the western side of the valley that you have deemed _your_ rock to stretch, and perhaps it is your imagination, but you swear it’s making a difference. By the third or fourth day you’re definitely able to stretch farther with less strain than when you began, and the change amazes you. You have always been lithe and graceful, but nobody ever told you that you could be _more_ , that your muscles could stretch _farther_. You never knew there was a way to improve your own strength, your own flexibility, beyond what you were made with.

You don’t suppose it’s the sort of thing Homeworld wants to teach you.

Garnet surfaces during the second day, settling down wordlessly next to you as you struggle to remember some of the motions she showed you, and beginning her own round of stretches. It’s helpful to see her repeat the stretches and catch on to the ones you forgot; by the end, you’re sure you’ve memorized it all. The two of you only speak about five words between you, but that’s fine by you - it’s a relief, actually. You’re getting better at speaking, at pushing past the block that sometimes seems to rise up between your mind and your mouth, but it’s nice to be with someone who doesn’t ask it of you, who understands what you want without being told.

You don’t see her much beyond that afternoon. You wonder if she spends a lot of her time with Rose, who has also been scarce. You wonder if she spends time with _herself_. Does she ever unfuse, or is she all the company she needs? You don’t understand what it must be like to stay fused for so long, but it doesn’t scare you anymore. It’s almost funny, how quickly the fear went away, how quickly you began to think of her as _Garnet_ instead of _the fusion_. You think you’d like to understand her, some day.

When two days turn into three, and three into four, you begin to feel yourself _hovering_. You keep glancing around you, as if expecting to see Pearl step out from behind a tree, but she doesn’t appear. You are patient, you tell yourself, you have spent your life standing and waiting and not complaining - but Pearl said _two days_ , and you feel each overdue second with anxious clarity.

In the end, it’s Rose Quartz herself who assuages your fears. You’ve seen her around the base on occasion, speaking to other Gems, but never dared approach. Though she has been nothing but kind, her very bearing intimidates you: she is a leader, and a powerful one, and surely too busy to be interrupted by a lost pearl. 

But _she_ approaches _you_ , the fourth day, and smiles at you kindly, and asks how you’re settling in. “I’m f-fine,” you murmur, your fingers twining nervously. She wants to know if the others have been treating you well, and seems delighted when you stammer out a response about your friendship with Selenite. But all you can really think of is Pearl; you even catch yourself searching Rose, as if she might be keeping Pearl’s gem hidden somewhere in her dress.

“Is - is Pearl…all right?” you finally manage to ask, and Rose blinks, then smiles.

“Oh, yes, she’s fine. She’s in a safe place until she reforms.”

“I just - I thought…She said she’d only take two days…”

Rose chuckles sympathetically. “Oh, I see. Please, don’t worry. Pearl is taking the time she needs to heal. Have you ever been poofed?”

You tilt your head, an uncertain no. “Only when Blue Diamond wanted a new outfit for me, never from injury…It never took long.”

“Ah, yes. You see, it would only take you a few minutes to reform with a new outfit when you’re perfectly healthy, but a Gem who’s been hurt needs time to heal. When that happens, instinct takes over, and it’s difficult to tell how much time has passed outside. Even Pearl can’t control it so precisely - though I’m sure she’s tried.” Her smile turns achingly fond. It does something strange to your chest. “She’s perfectly fine, and I’m sure she’ll be back very soon.”

You nod, and feel some of the tension drain out of you. There’s nothing _wrong_ , then - you are disappointed to have to wait, but that’s better than fearing that something has gone wrong with Pearl’s regeneration.

“Listen, I have to go,” Rose is saying, “but if there’s anything you need, don’t hesitate to ask, all right?”

You nod again, and she departs with a last smile. She has so many smiles, you think, and gives them out so freely. Blue Diamond never seemed to have any smiles at all. What is it that makes Rose Quartz so different? Where did she learn to be so…? You don’t even have the word for it. _Kind_ , you think, but that’s not it, not really. It’s more than that. She - she looks at you, and you know that you have her full attention, just by existing, just by being there with her. She _cares_ , personally and deeply, in a way the Diamonds never have.

You are beginning to understand why Pearl looks at her the way she does. And yet at the same time, Rose Quartz’s convictions, the disarming way she brings Gems so swiftly into her care and her trust, frighten you a bit, for reasons you can’t quite explain even to yourself. 

Still, she promised that Pearl is fine, and you believe her, and the knot in your chest loosens a little.

Five days isn’t long, not when you have lived for over a thousand years, but you feel yourself settling into a routine nevertheless. Adjusting. Every day you do your stretches, you spend time with Selenite, you watch other Gems spar and try to talk to some of them, just a little, just enough so that you exist in their minds and aren’t left to fade into the background. (This last part is at Aquamarine’s suggestion, who seems to enjoy giving you a push whenever you look in danger of closing in on yourself.) And at night you sit in your little room, holding your light globe close to your chest and feeling the faint warmth it gives off, thinking.

There’s a reassuring repetition to the days, and yet - nothing is ever quite the same. The rebels have schedules, have duties and projects, but there is a leeway here that you are unfamiliar with. It is nothing like the monotony of Homeworld, where you spent all of your time standing outside Blue Diamond’s palanquin, or in her chambers, or outside of her meeting rooms. You stood, lovely and silent and still, day after day, without change. Here, every day is different. Unique. It’s exhausting. It’s thrilling. 

You had expected to miss Homeworld. It was, after all, your _home_ , and you might never have gathered the courage to leave it behind if you hadn’t been abandoned. And you _do_ miss parts of it - it was beautiful, well-organized, precise; there was none of the chaos of Earth. You miss knowing that you were doing your job and doing it well, even if you were insignificant. There were rules and expectations, and you knew all of them implicitly, and fulfilled them. Perhaps you were unhappy. Perhaps you were afraid. But you never felt out of place.

Here you are constantly out of place, small in a world where everything is new and strange. And yet, though you miss these things in the moments when it is hard to take in everything around you, it doesn’t hurt, not really. You don't miss Blue Diamond. It still stings a little, that she left you behind, but the surprise has faded into something that feels more like inevitability. You wish that she had cared for you. You wish that, after all your years of service, you could have meant more to her. But you didn’t, and so the ache you expected her absence to bring never comes.

This is what you think of, the night of the fifth day as you sit on your bedroll, fingers playing over the surface of your light globe, and it lingers in your mind the next morning as you enter the meeting room where Gems often congregate to share conversation. Blue Diamond is, you realize, the _only_ Gem you would have expected to miss. You knew so few others - you never spoke freely to any of Blue Diamond’s visitors, of course, and your moments with other pearls were fleeting at best. You hope that Yellow Diamond’s pearl is doing all right, but you would not truly _miss_ her. Your mistress is the only Gem you ever really knew. 

These Gems here, scattered around the cavern, have left a bigger impression on your life in barely a week than all the Gems of Homeworld have in a thousand years. You look at Turquoise and Feldspar, Selenite and Aquamarine, Kunzite and Onyx, and the rest - all different Gems who once served different Diamonds, all here for their own reasons, all sharing a base and a cause. They are _familiar_ , to each other and perhaps, one day, to you, in a way that Gems on Homeworld never were. 

Strange. It makes your chest ache a little to think of it, but at the same time you feel yourself smiling.

And then you hear laughter, at once familiar and utterly new, because you have already memorized that voice, but you have never heard her _laugh_ before. You turn at once, drawn to the sound like a magnet, and the ache in your chest turns into a bubble that expands and expands, larger than your thin body was made to hold - anticipation, anxiety, relief, hope. 

Pearl is back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys! hope you all survived the steven nuke. apologies for a short chapter, especially after the monster that was chapter 5, but i promise to make it up to you next time - when pearl and bp finally have their Talk.
> 
> for those who might appreciate it: [here is kunzite!](http://i.imgur.com/5xFwhqa.png) i made her at the same time i made aquamarine. ignore the diamond on her uniform; she was originally conceptualized as a homeworld soldier.
> 
> oh, also - after chapter 5 went up, we broke 1000 hits and 100 kudos! thank you all _so_ much for that; i am but a small drop in a very large and wonderful pond of su fic, and am utterly flattered that so many of you are enjoying this. 
> 
> thanks for the comments, too; even if i don't respond, i appreciate all of them! please consider leaving one; i'd really love to know your thoughts <3 and lastly, have a good day, and feel free to come hang with me on my [pearl blog!](http://ofrealstrength.tumblr.com)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She is a storm, you think, she rages and lightning flashes and the world changes. Doesn’t she see it?

She’s leaning on the table where Selenite and Aquamarine are sitting, one delicate hand covering her mouth as she laughs. She looks…good. Her pale skin shines brighter than before. The shadows under her eyes are gone. You know you’re staring, but you can’t stop; you want to drink in the sight of her, after days of waiting and worrying. 

Until Selenite sees you and waves, smiling. “Hey, Pearl!” You pretend not to notice the way Pearl stiffens at hearing her name directed at someone else or the smile slipping from her face. Selenite, however, lowers her hand quickly, cheeks flushing. “I mean, uh…other Pearl?”

Pearl is silent, but her eyes have grown colder. You step forward, hands clasped nervously, hoping to break the tension. “Hi, Selenite,” you murmur - and then, after a pause, “…Hi, Pearl.”

She doesn’t answer for a long moment, and you can’t quite bring yourself to look at her through your hair. Your fingers twist around each other, and then, blessedly, Aquamarine’s voice fills the silence.

“Selenite?”

Selenite startles. “Y-yeah?”

“Why don’t we give the pearls some time to catch up?” You look up in time to catch Aquamarine wink at you, and feel a sudden stab of panic - you’re not sure if she’s doing you a favor or leaving you without a lifeline. There’s no time to protest even if you wanted to, however, because Selenite is hastily rising.

“Rights, that's - yeah, sure. I’ll, uh, see you guys later, okay?” With a little wave, she lets herself be herded away by Aquamarine, and you and Pearl are left standing together. 

She still hasn’t said a word to you, and when you finally look up at her, she looks - hesitant. Uncertain. It’s a strange expression to see on the renegade pearl so feared by Homeworld. It doesn’t match the image of her you have in your head, tearing her way through Homeworld’s forces - but then, you’re discovering, so little of her does.

She doesn’t know you overheard her promising Garnet that she’d talk to you, you realize. She has made no promises to _you_. Is she going to change her mind? Is she going to come up with an excuse to walk away from you? Your heart sinks at the thought of trying to chase her down yet again, knowing you aren’t wanted. 

So in a burst of nerves, you decide not to give her the chance. “I-!” you blurt out, and your voice is louder than you expected; it startles both of you. Your cheeks burn, but you rush on: “I, um - I wanted, to…to ask if we could…talk.”

She stares at you, something unreadable passing over her face, then glances away. “Yes. Yes, I suppose we should.”

Your heart beats suddenly faster, and you are fairly sure you stop breathing. _Finally_ , you think, but nothing comes out of your mouth but a stuttered, “O-Oh, that’s…” You bite your lip, and then murmur, “Thank you.”

She gives you a strange look, and you duck your head, hiding your embarrassment behind your hair. There’s silence for a moment, but you seem to have used up all your words, and so you wait until she says, “Yes, well, that’s…Come with me, then.”

And so you follow.

You think perhaps she will take you to her room, which you haven’t yet seen - you realize you aren’t even sure which one is hers - but instead of turning right towards the personal rooms, she turns left towards the valley. You are struck with the déjà vu of it: this is the second time you have followed her out into the sunlight, though the first time you were exhausted and fearful and sure that you had ruined any chance to prove yourself to Pearl.

Now…Well, you still aren’t sure how Pearl feels about you. Perhaps nothing has changed, really. But at the very least, this place isn’t strange to you anymore; the grass is familiar under your feet, and though your nerves still buzz with anxiety, there is anticipation there too, and hope. You watch Pearl from behind, the way her slim shoulders move under her tunic, the gentle curve of her hairline. She isn’t an untenable dream, you tell yourself, not anymore. She isn’t a vision you watch from across a battlefield. She’s _here_ , in front of you, and she’s giving you a chance.

You square your own shoulders, trying to match Pearl’s hard lines. You are made of the same stuff: if she has iron in her, surely you do too.

“So. You’ve made friends with Selenite?” Pearl asks suddenly, and you blink, drawn out of your reverie. She isn’t quite looking at you, and there’s an odd, stilted tone to her voice, as if she’s uncomfortable with the silence.

“Oh, um. Yes,” you answer, uncertain.

“Good. She’s a good Gem.” You exhale in relief; at least you have gained her approval about _something_. You nod in agreement, and Pearl glances quickly at you and then away, and an awkward silence falls again.

You pass the training grounds, pass the little cluster of trees beyond, until you draw close to the pool with its tidy waterfall. You expect Pearl to stop here - to sit, perhaps, beside the water as she did with Garnet - but instead she takes you around the edge of the pool, to the cliff face, where you see for the first time a shallow ledge leading upwards, hugging the cliff. It’s a very thin path, but Pearl balances easily, and your own feet nimbly follow. 

It leads _behind_ the waterfall. There, where you would expect only more rock, is a dip, an opening in the cliff face. Spray from the waterfall showers you as you approach, and you follow Pearl through the gap to find a small cave, the light blurred and dappled by the curtain of water that hides it. 

It’s a cozy place. There’s a blanket spread out on the floor and a light globe sitting in the corner, which Pearl bends to turn on. You had no idea that there were any other caves in the cliffs, and you pluck up the courage to ask, “Are there more of these?”

Pearl glances back at you. “Caves? No, this is the only one besides the main cavern system. And this doesn’t go back far - you certainly couldn’t get out this way.”

You hadn’t been thinking of getting in or out, but you guess where her mind has gone. “There’s no way in or out except the main entrance.”

“Which is guarded,” Pearl confirms. “Feldspar fixed up sensors around the basin’s rim, and there are no cracks through the rock big enough for a Gem to get through.”

“What about shapeshifting?” Aquamarine showed you how she could shapeshift a few days ago, shrinking herself to Selenite’s height. You had rarely seen Gems shapeshift before. Useful skill to have when exploring, Aquamarine had said. Good for squeezing through tight spaces.

“Not that small.” Pearl shakes her head. “Not without snapping back or hurting herself. We’re well-fortified.”

She takes a seat, folding herself onto the blanket, and you hesitantly lower yourself to the floor as well. Beyond cozy, the little cave feels practically _intimate_ , certainly private, and you wonder if Pearl is the only one who comes here. Is this _her_ place?

If it is, what does it mean that she has brought you here?

You can ask, you realize. You _should_ ask. You want to know.

“Is this place…yours?” 

“Well, it isn’t as if I’m the only one allowed here.” She gives a small shrug. “But it does tend to be mostly me, yes. It’s…good to get away, sometimes.”

“I see,” you murmur, and then fall quiet. For a moment there it had felt almost easy, talking to Pearl, but now neither of you are meeting the other’s eyes and there’s a great bubble of nerves in your chest that makes you think _maybe I shouldn’t be here_ —

Until Pearl says, clearing her throat, “So. What did you want to talk about?”

You shrink, just a little. There is a voice in your head: _you shouldn’t want anything,_ it says. _Pearls don’t want. Pearls don’t take. Pearls don’t have ambitions. You are wrong, you are **bad** —_

No.

You can be iron-spined, too.

You take a breath: deep, the kind that inflates your chest and fills all the empty spaces in you. You arrange your thoughts: each word carefully chosen and placed, like a row of stones.

No. Like steps, leading upward.

Distantly, you’re aware of Pearl’s impatience. She shifts, just a little, on the old blanket. You run through the words in your head once more, even so; you want to get this right.

And then you speak, and for once you do not stumble or stutter. You look up at Pearl, and you _speak._

“I was a good pearl for a long time.” Your voice is quiet, smooth, with the rhythm of something rehearsed. “I thought what I had was good. I thought it was all I needed, but - then I saw you. And you were so strong, and you were - you took up so much space, and you weren’t afraid—“ You stop, suddenly, a hitch in your voice as you try to articulate the feeling, what it was to see Pearl for the first time, shining and sharp across the arena. You almost lose the thread, but no, this is important, you find it and you keep going—

“—And everyone knew who you were, and you _meant_ something. And I realized that…I’d never really meant anything. I’d been…empty, without ever really knowing it, I - then I saw you and I wanted to be _more_ \- I wanted to be strong and free like you.” You take a breath. Somewhere in the distance a bird is chirping, but the cave is very quiet. “I still do. I don’t want to be the kind of Gem who gets left behind. Or forgotten. I want to learn from you. To fight. And to be free.”

You stop. Exhale. Feel something leave you, and you are lighter for its absence. You have never spoken so many words all at once. You never knew you could. But it feels right, it feels _good,_ to have said them. They hang in the air before you and pulse like your heart: _I am here. I am here. I am here._

Pearl stares at you and does not speak. Her brow is furrowed, just slightly, her mouth the barest frown. You meet her eyes and do not look away. It is at once a long and timeless moment, meeting her eyes (they’re so blue, they’re so piercing, they could cut you to ribbons), but you are not afraid. Is that what left you? Fear? It is so strange, not to be afraid. 

And then, in a single, smooth motion, Pearl draws one of her swords from her gem.

For one wild moment, you think she’s going to attack you. But all she does is rest it in her lap, one hand curling protectively around the hilt. It’s such a simple sword, not at all like the ornate things you have seen warriors summon from their gems, but she holds it as if it is an extension of herself, as if it has always belonged in her hands. You know little of weaponry, but even you can tell that it is well-made for all its simplicity; it balances perfectly in her hands, the blade long and elegant.

Pearl glances down at it for a moment, following your gaze, and then looks back up. “And are you prepared for what that means?” she asks quietly. “ _Freedom?_ It isn’t easy.” One of her hands slides along the blade of her sword, pale fingers reflected in its surface. “Are you prepared for the judgment? Everyone watching you, waiting for you to mess up? Your enemies will laugh in your face. Your allies will condescend to you whether they know it or not.” Her voice is growing hard, sharp like the edge of her blade. “Are you ready for how you’re going to _feel?_ Pearls aren’t meant to fight. Your body isn’t built to handle the sort of stress you’re going to put it through. You think your first day here was bad? That was nothing. Wait until you really start fighting. Wait until you’ve regenerated a few times. It’s going to hurt. It’s going to hurt, and it’s going to feel impossible, and you _can’t complain_. If you complain, everyone will think you’re weak and you can’t do it after all. Even your friends. If you tell them you’re hurting, they’ll say it was a good try, and you should be proud of yourself, and you can give up now and go back to being nothing and nobody will think the worse of you.”

You aren’t breathing again. Her tone has turned mocking. Her eyes are flinty. “You can’t complain. You can’t hold back. You can’t act like a _pearl_. You can’t sit around and wait for someone to tell you what to do. If you act like a pearl, that’s all anyone will ever see. You have to be _better_ than a pearl.”

You stare at her, this fierce, hurting Gem, your breath caught in your throat. Stunned into silence. It isn’t what she said that’s so shocking, or the pain in her voice as she said it. It’s that…

She’s _wrong._

You can _feel_ the conviction rising in you, coalescing into something sharp as a sword. She really believes what she’s saying, but she’s _wrong_. You think of the way she fights - like it’s another kind of dance, like her swords are an extension of herself. She wove through warriors three times her size, too agile to be caught. She doesn't fight like a quartz; she fights exactly how you would expect a pearl to fight, if such a thing were possible. 

And as for enduring without complaint - what could be more familiar to a pearl?

“Why do you hate pearls?” 

The words are out before you can stop them, and you suck in a breath, eyes widening. You hadn’t meant to say it aloud, it just—

Pearl jerks back, her mouth opening; you might have slapped her. To your astonishment, her cheeks flush blue. She’s actually _blushing_. Part of you wants to duck your head, to hide behind your hair, but you can’t seem to look away.

After a long moment, it’s Pearl who breaks your gaze. “I don’t hate pearls,” she says finally. 

You frown. “You just don’t want to be one.”

“Well, of course not,” she snaps, her flush deepening. “Why would I? Pearls are worthless, haven’t you noticed? Or is your head too empty to realize it? We’re _programmed_ to be a certain way. They tell us how to think, and what to do, and what to say. A pearl is just _decoration_ , we aren't supposed to care about anything but pleasing our owners, we aren't supposed to learn or fight or..." She shakes her head. "Rose showed me that I could be more. I've spent so long trying not to be a pearl - not to be Homeworld's toy. I need to be _better_. And it's _hard_ \- quartzes are _made_ to be warriors, they have fighting instincts from the moment they're formed, all they need is a bit of polishing. Other Gems are _made_ to be technicians, or historians, or leaders - but we don't _get_ that. All we're made to be is pretty and silent. Everything I've done, everything I've learned, I had to _fight_ for. None of it comes naturally. I have to work three times as hard as everyone else just to be half as good, because I'm a _pearl._ And Gems _hate_ me for being good. Because I'm a _pearl.”_

She stops, breathing hard. You, by contrast, are hardly breathing at all. She is a storm, you think, she rages and lightning flashes and the world changes. Doesn’t she see it?

But, before your eyes, the thunder leaves her; she wilts, just a little, her head dropping, her eyes slipping closed. “Pearls don’t get respect. We don’t get recognition. It doesn’t matter how smart we are or how hard we work. _Nobody_ wants to be a pearl.”

The waterfall splashes into the pool below. In the distance, a bird sounds a warning cry. Her fingers shake around the hilt of her sword. Her eyes are squeezed closed. You sit very still - you are so good at being still - and watch her, and feel something wet prickling at your eyes. Tears. You have only ever cried from fear, but you are not afraid now. This is something else.

“I do.” Your voice is barely louder than the rush of water, but you’re sure she hears. There is no courage to gather this time, no hesitation as you lean forward. “I don’t want to be a quartz or a diamond. I want to be like _you_. And you’re a pearl.” 

Slowly, she raises her head, opening her eyes to stare at you. You press on. “You - you’re proof that pearls _can_ be more. You’re not like a quartz at all. You’re the best pearl there is. I don’t think you’re better than a pearl, you’re just….a better pearl.”

A better pearl. Yes, that feels _right,_ as surely as what Pearl said had felt _wrong._ Is this what it feels like to believe something, to _really_ believe it? Is this what Rose feels about the Earth? Is this what Pearl feels about Rose? 

You believe in her. You _know_ you’re right about her.

But even as you think this, doubt begins to creep in. Pearl looks at you and says nothing, and you begin to worry that perhaps you weren’t right to say it after all. It _sounded_ good to you, but what do you know about right and wrong? What if you’ve upset her and she doesn’t believe you and she tells you to leave? What will you do then?

Pearl straightens. You swallow nervously. 

She flips the sword in her hands and holds it out to you, hilt-first.

You frown, taken aback, glance down at it and back up. She shakes it a little, insistently. You take it in wary hands, holding it awkwardly; the hilt is warm from her grip.

Pearl shakes her head and moves forward, reaching out to adjust your grip. You suck in a breath as her fingers close over yours. “No, like this.” She wraps your hand around the grip, folding your thumb over top of your fingers, and adjusts your elbow so that you’re holding the sword up in front of you in the position you’ve heard her call _on guard._

She leans back, surveying you critically. “Well, we’ll have to have Bismuth make you one of your own when she gets back, but you can use that one for now.” 

You gape at her. Her voice is crisp and businesslike; her pained outburst might never have happened. She’s talking about giving you your own sword.

She’s going to train you.

“But—” you stammer. “This is yours—”

“I have more,” she says dismissively, waving a hand. “Now, holding the sword is the first lesson. You need to get used to the way it feels. Keep that one. You can store it in your gem, but whenever you can I want you to hold it like I just showed you. Carry it around until it feels natural. _Then_ you can start learning how to use it.”

You look from her to the sword in your hands, your eyes wide. “You’re really going to teach me,” you murmur, and there is wonder in your voice. 

Pearl smiles faintly. “I’ll do my best.” 

You open your mouth to say something - to thank her, to promise you won’t disappoint her, to ask her what made her decide - but nothing comes out. Your eyes feel wet again. Pearl glances away, wiping off her hands. “I have other things to do today, but we’ll talk tomorrow about working out a training plan for you. There is…one other thing we need to discuss, though.”

You blink, still reeling. “Y-yes?”

She looks back at you, and the smile has disappeared; there’s something unhappy around her eyes. “You need a name. We can’t _both_ be Pearl, it’ll only get confusing.” 

Oh. You bite your lip, remembering the way she stiffened when Selenite called _you_ Pearl. You suspect it’s about more than just confusion. Whatever she may think of pearls in general, the name belongs to _her_. You certainly don’t want to take it from her. “I - I can be whatever you want,” you start to say, but Pearl shakes her head.

“No, no. It’s _your_ choice.”

You stare at her, feel your heart speed up. You’re not good at choices yet. And names are foreign to you - you’ve only ever had a number, which isn’t like a name, and nobody uses numbers anyway except on reports. You’re _Blue Diamond’s pearl_ , and that’s all.

You look down, let your hair cover your face. You watch your own hands fidgeting, blue fingers sliding over the hilt of your sword. The only thing you can think of doesn’t seem good enough, rebellious enough - but it’s the only thing that feels like you - and if Pearl can still be _Pearl_ …

“Blue?” you whisper, glancing up at Pearl from under your bangs. 

She raises her eyebrows. “Like Blue Diamond?”

You shake your head. “Like Blue Pearl.” It’s okay, you tell yourself. It’s you. Blue Diamond doesn’t own the color, and she doesn’t own you.

Pearl smiles slightly, pushing herself to her feet, and offers you her hand. “Okay, Blue. Welcome to Earth.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello hello! i am so sorry for the long absence. it was a long, busy semester. i'm on break right now, and hoping i can get at least one more update out before classes start up again, but we'll see!
> 
> to be frank, i'm not sure how satisfied i am with this chapter. it's an important moment, and i'm not sure i did it justice. but i want to continue with this fic, and the best way to gain some momentum is to force myself to stop obsessing over a particular section. so here we are <3 i'm excited for what's to come.
> 
> as always, thank you for the kind comments! keep them coming, they make my life :)


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "And who do you belong to now, little pearl?"

Almost overnight, you become part of the Crystal Gems’ routine.

Before, you felt like an interloper, an observer. You watched, and tagged along with Selenite, but you were not _part_ of it. With the return of Pearl, however, you feel yourself slipping into the rhythm of the rebel base. Whatever the other Gems might think of Pearl individually, it’s evident that she’s an important member of the Crystal Gems. And once it becomes clear that she’s working with you, the others start to notice you.

“Hi, Pearl!” Selenite says to you the morning after your discussion with Pearl. “Blue,” you correct quietly, and she raises her eyebrows, and smiles, and says, “Hi, Blue!” and that’s all it takes. By the end of the day, everyone seems to know that your name is Blue. Every time someone uses it, you get a little shiver down your back. _Your_ name. _Yours._

You hold your sword, just as Pearl instructed. At first it feels awkward and weighty, and your arm grows sore from the effort of holding it up. But you don’t complain, and you don’t relent, and soon enough the feel of it becomes familiar. You keep it in your gem when you aren’t using it, and that, too, feels strange at first - almost like it shouldn’t be allowed, like you’re _hiding_ it. You know that some pearls practically exist to hold their master’s possessions in their gemstone, but you are not one of them. Blue Diamond never stored things in you, and the blade in your gem is a constant, unnerving presence. 

But that, too, eventually grows familiar. You are constantly amazed at the things you can adapt to, given the chance. Even the sticky heat of the jungle ceases to feel remarkable after a week or two.

You sit in on the noncombatant training sessions, which resume along with Pearl’s return, but don’t participate. “You’re too far behind,” Pearl says. “I’m starting you from scratch, so I don’t want you learning bad habits while you try to keep up with everyone else.” The fact that you aren’t skilled enough to keep up with even other noncombatant Gems is embarrassing ( _embarrassment_ \- an unpleasant squirm in your gut and a heat on your cheeks, like shame; you’re learning the names for things), but you can’t complain, because it means that Pearl teaches you one-on-one.

She’s more patient with you during training than she ever was when you first met. You worried, at first, that you would be too slow or make too many mistakes and she would get angry with you, but your fears seem groundless. It isn’t perfect - sometimes you just don’t understand the move she’s trying to demonstrate, and she gets a little snappy when her explanations don’t work - but for the most part she’s patient, clear, and supportive. She corrects your stance with gentle, precise hands, gives clear instructions, and lets you try something as many times as you need until you get it right. 

Even so, it’s slow going. Fighting, it turns out, is not simply a matter of how to move one’s sword. First Pearl must teach you how to stand, and which of a number of stances to adopt based on what enemy you’re facing. You do not actually _use_ your sword for several days - not until you have been soundly trained in how to hold it, and how high, and at what angle, and how to bend your knees and loosen your elbows and keep your feet far enough apart. Only _then_ do you begin to learn how to _wield_ your sword; Pearl leads you through forms, correcting every motion, repeating them until your movements are fluid and precise. It takes a full week before you can complete even one of them to Pearl’s satisfaction. 

And it’s exhausting. Your arms tremble after only an hour or two of work; your breath comes in gasps; you have to take breaks. The swordfighting isn’t the only part of your training, either: Pearl has you run laps around the valley, do push-ups and sit-ups along with your stretches, all to raise your strength and endurance. At the end of it you are weak and shaking. You rise in the mornings with sore and protesting muscles. _You asked for this,_ you tell yourself when you begin to feel as if you would rather lie down and never move again than take another step. When you find yourself thinking almost longingly of the days when all anyone asked of you was to stand still and be pretty, which was mindless and unpleasant perhaps but never _hurt_ , you remind yourself, _You wanted this. You have to keep going._

So you do. And you don’t complain to Pearl, even when you can hardly imagine lifting your sword _again._ And though she offers little in the way of sympathy, you think, perhaps, she approves of your steadfast determination. She never pushes you beyond your limits, and tells you when you’ve done something well, few and far between those moments may be. 

If you were expecting camaraderie from her, however, you find yourself disappointed. As a teacher she is efficient and encouraging, but she makes no conversation that isn’t related to blades or stances. Your training only takes up part of the day, and the rest she spends elsewhere - with Rose, or on patrol, or taking part in any number of other duties that don’t include you. She agreed to be your teacher, but she makes no effort to be your friend. And you can’t bring yourself to push her, for fear that she might withdraw whatever support she’s already given you.

Still. You don’t forget the smile she gave you, as she promised to train you. Something happened in that cave - she was upset, and you defended her to herself, and then she gave you her own sword. You don’t know if she likes you or trusts you, but you shared something there that nobody else knows. Garnet said that she needs someone who understands her, and you think, now, that you know what she meant. So you try not to feel disappointed or dismissed when Pearl goes to sit with Garnet or Selenite or Rose and not you when the Gems gather in the meeting room or the valley to talk. You are a pearl. You are good at waiting. You can wait for her to trust you with more than just her sword.

And in the meantime, there are other Gems who will speak to you. You spend part of each day training, unless Pearl is called off to more important matters, but that still leaves hours of free time. You still spend much of it with Selenite; she didn’t mind you sitting at the ship while she worked when Pearl was gone, and she doesn’t show any sign of minding now. She even cheerfully explains to you what she’s doing as she tinkers: recently Onyx and Kunzite returned from a scavenging mission with two half-demolished escape pods, and Selenite is determined to turn them into something usable so that the rebels don’t have to spend hours tramping back and forth between warp pads. It’s interesting, and you like to watch her work, your keen eyes keeping track as best you can of how the pieces she tools with go together.

To your surprise, sometimes Pearl shows up at the ship as well, and spends an hour or two working with Selenite. She barely acknowledges you beyond a nod of greeting, and you sit a respectful distance away, unwilling to bother them; they always seem so focused, bent over this or that technology. “Oh, Pearl asked me to teach her engineering,” Selenite explains when you ask about it later. “She’s real interested in it, and she’s got a pretty good eye for gem tech. I’m doing my best. Feldspar’d be able to explain it all better than I can, but - well…” She trails off, and you glance at Feldspar and understand. The technician spends most of her time at the ship as well, but never engages with you or Pearl or any other Gem who might show up to watch. She twitches any time any Gem besides Selenite touches the equipment, and works sullenly on her own until they leave.

At least her annoyance isn’t _solely_ towards Pearl, you suppose, though it certainly _chiefly_ is. She’s reluctant to hand her devices over even to Gems she seems to like. You’ve seen her talking with Turquoise plenty of times, but when Turquoise asks to see a communicator Feldspar’s been working on repairing, Feldspar only begrudgingly hands it over for her inspection.

She notices you watching her, afterward, and looks away quickly, back down to the panel she’s trying to unscrew. But, struck with a flash of boldness, you scoot forward. “Why didn’t you want to let her see?” you ask quietly. “I thought you liked her.”

Feldspar twitches, the way she always does when you address her, and responds without looking up. “That doesn’t matter,” she snaps. “How do I know she won’t mess it up? Turquoises aren’t _made_ to handle gem tech. Just like pearls aren’t made to fight or engineer,” she adds, glancing accusingly your way. “Gems should do what they’re _made_ to do. It’s the only way to uphold order. Gems should stick to their own purpose. If they don’t have a purpose, why do they _exist?_ ”

Her voice rises on the last phrase, and she fumbles her screwdriver; it skids across the panel and leaves a mark. Feldspar huffs at it and hunches back over the panel, attacking the stuck screw with a vengeance.

You stare at her, blinking slowly. You haven’t seen Feldspar display any emotion besides irritation, but now she looks upset in a different way. Like she’s hurting. Like maybe she wasn’t really talking about pearls.

“Why did you join the Crystal Gems?” you ask.

“It wasn’t so I could hold hands and sing about how special we are all, that’s for sure,” she grunts, not looking up from her work. You sit, watching her, waiting for the real reason. You’re good at waiting.

After a minute or so of uncomfortable silence, Feldspar sighs. “I was going to be decommissioned, okay?” She throws the screwdriver aside and begins pulling at the half-exposed screw with her fingers. “I’m only three hundred years old. I never made any mistakes. My record was _perfect,_ but they don’t _need_ feldspars anymore.” She punctuates each phrase with a tug on the screw, gritting her teeth with effort. “They have _better_ technicians now. There’s probably a peridot sitting in my seat on Homeworld right now, using _my_ tools. I decided it was better to be a traitor to my kind than ground up and used for resources, so long as I could still fix things.”

The screw comes out and the panel clatters open. Feldspar sits still for a moment, her lap full of exposed wires, breathing hard. You watch her, frowning.

Not every Gem is here because they believe in Rose Quartz’s love for the Earth, or because they want to break away from what Homeworld made them to be and forge themselves anew. Some Gems are here because the only other option is death. Some Gems just want to be allowed to keep doing what they were made to do. Some Gems would have loved Homeworld and been loyal to it if it hadn’t forsaken them.

Feldspar reaches blindly for a wrench and misses. Silently you hand it to her, and, after a moment of hesitation, she accepts it. The two of you stay that way for the rest of the afternoon: Feldspar working in silence, and you sitting quietly near her, handing her tools when she needs them. There’s nothing offensive about being assisted by a pearl, after all, especially a pearl who is quiet and courteous and doesn’t say anything when Feldspar’s hands shake.

You can give her this, at least. There are times when a pearl’s purpose - to serve, invisibly and without being asked - is as noble as anything else.

* * *

One morning, two weeks into your training, you and Pearl are interrupted by Garnet.

“Pearl!” she calls, moving quickly enough that you feel a spike of alarm and break out of your stance with your heart in your throat. But a few seconds later she is close enough for you to see her smile - which is a strange thing in itself. Garnet doesn’t smile often. 

“Bismuth will be back today,” she says once Pearl has turned to look.

You’re astonished to see Pearl break out into a grin too. “Will she really? Oh, that’s wonderful. Do you know when?”

Garnet shrugs. “Maybe an hour. I’m not _that_ precise, Pearl.”

“Ooh, all right. All right!” Pearl clasps her hands in front of her, taking a breath, and turns to you. “We’ll keep going, then, but we’ll end early to meet Bismuth. Do you want to stay and watch, Garnet?” 

“Why not,” Garnet agrees, and settles down cross-legged beside the training grounds. You feel a spark of nerves; you’re not sure you’re good enough to want Garnet to see, yet. But Pearl calls you to attention and so you don’t protest, but fall back into your stance and resolve to try and forget that Garnet is there.

The next hour progresses with surprising ease, however, even with the anxiety of being watched. Pearl is in a much better mood after Garnet’s news, and her high spirits make the work almost enjoyable despite your sore muscles. You wonder who Bismuth is and what she means to Pearl - you feel that you’ve heard the name before, but can’t place it.

As promised, Pearl leads you through your cooldown stretches early, and Garnet joins in. No sooner have you leaned back, finished, than Garnet looks up, suddenly alert. “She’s here.”

Pearl jumps up at once, moving as lightly as if she _hasn’t_ just spent hours training. It takes you quite a bit longer to rise, as Pearl says brightly, “We’d better go and meet her, then!” and Garnet nods.

They start moving towards the cavern. You linger behind, uncertain if you’re meant to be included, until Pearl looks back and calls, “Blue! You come too, I want you to meet Bismuth.” Hiding a smile of your own, you scurry forward to join them.

“Bismuth is our blacksmith,” Pearl explains to you as you head through the tunnels. “She was one of our earliest recruits, after Garnet and me. She makes all of our weapons. She’s been at her forge for a while, working.” And now you remember where you’ve heard the name before, and feel a sudden swell of excitement. Pearl herself had said it, right after handing you her sword. _We’ll have to have Bismuth make you one of your own._

You hear her before you see her, as the three of you approach the base entrance - a deep, warm voice and a booming laugh. A familiar voice answers, and you turn the corner to see Selenite speaking animatedly to the Gem who can only be Bismuth.

_Huge,_ is the first thought that crosses your mind. As large as any warrior, broad-shouldered and strong with a mass of colorful dreadlocks. But instead of a uniform she wears an apron, and her face is open and friendly as she turns to look at you. 

“Hey, Garnet!” she booms - that’s the only word for it, her voice is so _loud_. She seems to fill the entire space. “Pearl!”

“Hello, Bismuth,” Pearl says, grinning widely, and then lets out a strangled noise as Bismuth pulls her in for a one-armed hug. She disentangles herself quickly, looking exasperated, but doesn’t make any move to tell Bismuth off, which leaves you gaping. You haven’t seen anyone except Rose and Garnet touch Pearl, much less imagined she would _allow_ it.

“Glad you’re back,” Garnet adds, and Bismuth responds by punching Garnet’s shoulder so hard that _you_ wince, though Garnet shows no sign of discomfort.

“I just hope you didn’t have too much fun without me!” Bismuth laughs. “’Lene here was just telling me about the last battle - oh, hey, now!” You stiffen. She’s looking your way for the first time, as if she’s just properly noticed you. “Who’s this little pebble?” She squats down to your level, examining you. Your instinct is to flinch back in fear, but her large eyes show nothing but curious interest. “Another pearl?”

“This is Blue,” Pearl introduces, and - are you imagining it, or is there a touch of pride in her voice? “She used to be Blue Diamond’s pearl, but she joined us after the battle at the sky arena.”

“Oh, yeah?” Bismuth is still watching you intently, seeming to take in _all_ of you in a way that reminds you suddenly of Rose, as if your existence is inherently fascinating to her. This might have been reassuring if her eyes hadn’t hardened at Blue Diamond’s name. “And who do you belong to now, little pearl?”

For a moment you flounder, unsure what you’re meant to say, and then Pearl steps forward and puts a hand on your shoulder. “Nobody,” she says firmly, with an air of ritual and a smile in her voice.

Bismuth breaks into a grin, friendly once more, and sticks out her hand. “In that case, it’s nice to meet you, Blue! I’m Bismuth.” After a quick glance at Pearl, you hesitantly offer your much smaller hand for her to shake. She lets go after a moment and straightens, still watching you, and you realize suddenly that you haven’t said anything, all your ingrained silence seemed to come back the moment you saw Bismuth—

“Blue’s been keeping me company at the ship,” Selenite pipes up helpfully. “She’s even gotten Feldspar to calm down, you should see it, I don’t know how she did it.” You duck your head, hiding a blush behind your hair. It’s true that Feldspar no longer snaps or fidgets when you stop by to watch, not after that one afternoon, but you hadn’t realized Selenite had noticed.

“Well, now, that is a feat,” Bismuth chuckles. “If ’Lene here likes you, that’s good enough for me. Hey," she adds, leaning toward you conspiratorially, “did ’Lene ever tell you about me and her?” You shake your head, and Bismuth straightens to fling an arm around a smiling Selenite, pulling her closer. “Oh, yeah, we go way back! Used to work together. She designed buildings, and I made ’em!”

“She was the one who convinced me to join Rose,” Selenite adds.

“Well, I couldn’t just leave you to the mercy of the elites, could I?” Bismuth’s still grinning, but you think you see that hardness flash through her eyes again, just for a moment - and then it’s gone, and she’s ruffling Selenite’s fluffy hair. “Besides, someone with your brains? Vital to the cause!” Selenite smiles, looking pleased.

“How’d the mission go?” Garnet asks, pushing off from the wall where she’d been leaning. As if this is a cue, the whole group turns as one, heading back into the depths of the caverns.

“Oh, fine, fine.” Bismuth waves a hand. “Got a whole buncha new weapons for everyone to try out. It’s Crazy Lace who’s got the _real_ news—“

“Actually, Bismuth,” Pearl cuts in, “I wanted to talk about your weapons. I know you only just got back, but whenever you have the chance, I’d like you to make a sword for Blue.” Bismuth glances your way, eyebrows raised, and you almost duck your head, where you’re walking beside Pearl, until you remember what she keeps telling you, and try your best to keep your chin up. “I’ve been teaching her to fight,” Pearl adds, again with that faint edge of pride, and you can’t help but think that she was waiting for a chance to mention it.

“Oh, _really_?” The force of Bismuth’s gaze is back on you, and this time you imagine her doing calculations in her head. 

“She’s been using one of mine for now,” Pearl says, “but the balance isn’t quite right, I think she’d do better with one of her own.” 

You almost expect Bismuth to say something about how surely the two of you would have the same specifications, you’re both pearls after all - and you wouldn’t blame her if she did, for that’s _your_ first assumption too. You and Pearl are the same height, the same build…But Bismuth merely nods in agreement. “Gotta see her fight first, but yeah, I can do that.” And you suppose that having the same body doesn’t guarantee the same fighting style, even if you had the same strength and endurance as Pearl, which you don’t. Even Gems of the same type can manifest different weapons, after all.

Then Bismuth’s looking back at Pearl, and her smile is sly. “And _you_ , Pearl,” she says, “you summoned that weapon of yours yet?”

The smile stiffens on Pearl’s face, giving way to a hint of frustration. “Not yet.”

Bismuth slaps her on the back. “Well, get on with it! I can’t _wait_ to see what I can do with it - whatever it is.”

Pearl looks like she’s struggling to find a polite response, but Garnet steps in, drawing Bismuth’s attention. “You were saying something about Crazy Lace.”

“Oh, yeah! So I met up with her on the way back here, and the _first_ news is she’s got a new recruit for us.” There's a noise of appreciation from Selenite, and Pearl’s gaze sharpens. “She picked up an obsidian outside the Sky Spire. Snowflake Obsidian, to be precise. They’re talking to Rose now.” 

You relax a little, now that the attention is away from you, and fall a step back to watch the rest of them. Even Garnet looks almost small next to Bismuth, or at least normal-sized, and Selenite is tiny compared to the rest of them. They all seem comfortable around Bismuth, even Pearl. It’s like she generates camaraderie around herself, and everyone falls into the same pattern around her. There’s a word for that, isn’t it? Selenite used it once when talking about Rose. _Charismatic._ Even so, you find yourself wanting to stay out of arm’s reach of her, just because she’s so - _much_ , all her enthusiasm threatens to overwhelm you, even when it’s friendly.

She isn’t laughing now, though, and her booming voice has dropped to levels that, for her, must be considered an undertone, though it still seems loud to _you_. “—wait to give Rose the whole report,” she’s saying seriously, “but Crazy Lace managed to weasel her way into some pretty high-clearance plans before she had to cut and run. Says she saw orders from White Diamond herself. She’s bringing in more forces, and they’re just going to keep building. The more fortresses they have, the harder it’ll be for us to take them down.”

The air is tense, now. Garnet’s fists are balled; Pearl listens with narrowed eyes; Selenite’s tugging nervously at a strand of her hair. Instinctively, you try and walk even more quietly, make yourself even smaller, as if the tension is a physical presence whose notice you wish to avoid.

“Crazy Lace saw the plans,” Bismuth says. “Their forces are coming _here_. Right outside the jungle. They’re going to build their next temple there.” There’s a sharp intake of breath from Pearl. “We dunno if they know we’re around here somewhere, or it’s just coincidence, but we have to stop them before they get a foothold here.”

And then Bismuth smiles, and the hardness you thought you saw earlier is there, in the way her teeth gleam in the light of the globes. You feel a shiver run down your spine as she says, in a voice dark with anticipation, “We came back to tell Rose it’s time for a battle.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oho. the plot thickens.
> 
> so who saw the stevenbomb?? hoo boy. no spoilers, but. those of you who've seen it can probably imagine my reaction.
> 
> as always, thank you so much for your comments, they make my life <3 this semester looks like a busy one, so i'm not sure how fast updates will be, but i'll do my best! in the meantime, stay safe and be well!


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